As odd as it may seem, it would be easier for me if she was happy with him and totally in love with him (which she isn't). This whole "she claims to have a FWB all of a sudden" doesn't convince me at all of her heterosexuality. Is she even aware of that? Does/Did it make her feel uncomfortable to know that I have feelings for her? If it does/did, why? Did she reevaluate everything I ever said to her and how I used to behave around her? Things have been awkward between us since her visit and they became even more strange after my "confession". She only told me that she's speechless (as if this [me having feelings for her] was something that she could never have imagined - as if it was something totaly unexpected, a shocking surprise) and that I know that she's only interested in men. I wondered "do I really know that?". After that she and I never talked about it - this topic seems to be taboo and something that she doesn't want me to mention and discuss. Since she's an adult, I had expected that she would be able to deal with this in a mature way. Obviously, I was wrong. Did she try to suppress something by getting a FWB? Did she hope that it would make me move on faster? If so, it's not working for me.
Was the thought that I might perceive her as queer and that I might have told her how I felt about her because I was fairly sure that she might reciprocate my feelings so horrible for her that she shut down completely at first (didn't confide in me at all for months, her e-mails were short and superficial as if she was talking to someone she barely knows instead of to a friend of twenty years) and that she then started to go out and date to "prove" to me that she's straight?
No comments:
Post a Comment