You didn't fool me

Since your friend was with you, you felt safe to say things to me you never told me before. That's cowardly. Did you think that I wouldn't make a scene if she was present? Did you take her with you so that she would act as some kind of buffer and so that you could figuratively speaking hide behind her? It didn't bother me that she was there. I asked you in front of her multiple times what was going on but you didn't give me any answers. I could have had an open conversation despite of your friend's presence but you couldn't even be honest with me when we were alone.

She asked whether she should leave us two alone or go inside so that we could talk because she also saw and felt how you and I interact and how we talk to each other. She could also feel the tangible and undeniable tension. But you're were too afraid to address it and to face it because you weren't ready or because you were to scared to accept the truth about yourself or to be more precise the fact that you have feelings for a woman, for me. I think that you couldn't deal with my intensity.

I know that you asked me all of the questions to determine whether I'm "relationship material" for you. It must have been terrible for you that I don't have and that I'm none of the things you thought you absolutely wanted and needed a person to have and to be so that you could be or want to be with them.

I don't have a permanent job, I don't have a big dog, I'm not an omnivore (anymore) and last but not least I'm not a man - but you still had feelings for me. You couldn't admit that. You hated it. You didn't want it to be true. You're in denial.

I think that there was a conflict between your rational and your emotional side even though there was no need for it because I have never lived off your money. On the contrary, you have often sponged on me. I was almost always the one who payed for movie tickets, lunches etc. I'm perfectly capable of providing not only for myself but for both of us. I'm not saying that I think that I can or that I want to buy your friendship, your time, your love ... If you were mine, you would never want for anything - not even if what you wanted from me was to let you go. You'd just have to tell me.

If you think that it would be irrational to be with me, then you're wrong because there's nothing more rational than love. Have you ever heard the song "Brighter Discontent" by The Submarines? What are houses, millions or billions in your bank accounts, trips around the world, expensive cars, clothes etc. ... if you haven't got love and someone who gets you and who cares about your welldoing?

The pink elephant

I apologized. She aplogized. Not all is well but we're talking again. The "break" lasted from August 12th, 2011 to today (September 26th). I had ended it even though I knew that it would never be over for me. There's still this huge PINK elephant that we avoid to acknowledge. I'm convinced that you must know that I haven't stopped loving you.

I asked her, among other things, how she, her boyfriend/friend with benefits and her dog were to catch up. She didn't say anything about her boyfriend and she played the "we-game" again. She told me "we had great weather" during their vacation in South Europe this month. I feel as if she shuts me off when she uses the pronoun we but doesn't specify who was with her. Is she doing this consciously to tease and test me or isn't she even aware of it? I can just assume that this "we" either means her and him or her and one of her female friends with who she often travels abroad or her and her sister/brother/mother/father. Again I wondered whether she wants me to ask in order to see if I would be curious and jealous. But if this is her intention then my interpretation would either be that she wants to know whether I still care or that this is a some kind of power game for her (sometimes I think that she doesn't want me to be in a relationship with someone else but she can't be with me even though she wants me for herself - it's a horribly ambivalent push and pull game that she's playing). If she wants me to react possessively and in a jealous way she must like for some reason if I do behave in such a way.


I had reached a point where I found your behavior towards me unbearable. I didn't want to take it anymore since I didn't know why I should put up with it. I found it unacceptable. Later on I thought that I might have overreacted.

Some will say that I'm a masochist and that I don't deserve any better if I forgive you. But I'm not masochistic since I don't enjoy it if someone inflicts me pain. I didn't like it at all that my former best friend all off a sudden started to treat me like crap. I wanted things to be like they used to be (like, for example, us laughing together instead of her ridiculing me and me being the butt of her jokes). The thing is I can't be mad at you for a long time. I don't forget why I was angry with you. I try my best to understand you. I know that I often try to find excuses for your behavior that others deem inexcusable.

Call me pathetic. Call me needy. Call me anything you want. I just know that most of the time I'm happier when she and I are on good terms than when we're not.

Closeness, gaps and space

I never told you that when you started to behave in such a weird way in May 2010 and I didn't know exactly what was going on that my first impulse was to pull you in my arms and hug you and tell you that everything is going to be okay but I didn't do it. I was sure that you would have pushed me away. I regret not heeding to my instinct in this moment. I still remember how I wanted to console you in 1997 when you failed 11th grade and how I tried to touch your left shoulder and embrace you from behind and and how you cowered away from my hand and arm. You were sad and close to tears but you didn't want anyone to see it. You always did your best to appear strong. You rushed away to catch your bus.

A few weeks after I came out to you in 2008, you confided in me that you had been sexually abused in your youth. Maybe this will help some of you dear readers understand why I kept my distance even though I wanted to hold you. I respected your personal space. I would have never done anything to you that you didn't want me to do. I would have never forced myself on you.

If my knowledge about what some men had done to you wasn't holding me back and if you had been a gay or bisexual single woman and had acted towards me as you did last year I would have been sure that I was facing a case of unresolved sexual tension and I would have reacted differently. I took me all the willpower I possess not to make a move on you. You have no idea how badly I wanted to you push you against a dry stonewall (simultaneously taking care that I don't hurt you) and kiss you both fiercely and softly. You'll never know how badly I wanted to grab your ass, take off your white cotton panties and make passionate, sweet and tender love to you and ravage you when I realized that I'm physically attracted you in your tent during our camping trip.

Don't assume that I think that you owe me anything or that I want some kind of prize for treating you respectfully and for being considerate of your feelings. In my opinion, any gentelady would have behaved in the same manner. I just wanted to describe what I went through.

And no, I didn't think of my girlfriend in this situation and yes, that makes me both human and an asshole because I was being emotionally unfaithful to her. Some of my friends told me that this is worse than physically cheating on your partner. I know that there's no excuse but what I felt for her doesn't even come close to what I feel for you. Bette would probably say "it doesn't really compare".

one of my messages from July 6th, 2011

S obzirim na to da sam ti bila obecala da cu te izvjestit ako bude kakvih "razvoja" sa former bff (X.). U utorak navecer mi je poslala friend request na facebook-u. Ona je prije uvijek bila ta koja je govorila da joj online komunikacija znaci puno manje nego "realni" kontakti. Ja do sad nisam niti prihavitila niti odbila. Lani sam je bila izbrisala (ali i puno drugih, htjela sam biti manje online jer mi je bilo grozno da vise njezino i moje dopisivanje nije bilo skoro svakodnevno i da je ona postala tako distancirana i nepovjerljiva), nakon sto je ona onda bila pitala zasto ja sam joj bila poslala dva zahtjeva koja je ona obadvoje odbila (bila sam se ispricala iako sam sama bila jako povredjena). Eto sad jos uvijek razmisljam kako cu postupiti i pitam zasto mi je poslala to i sto sad hoce [nije se nakon smrti moje bake preko tri i pol mjeseca uopce javljala, iako je znala ne samo da imam smrtni slucaj u obitelji nego da je i zdravstveno stanje moga oca kriticno - istovremeno sa bakom se nalazio u drugoj bolnici na intenzivnoj). Sto se nje tice sam jako ambivalentna and everything but over her. Jos se ljutim i cesto sam zalosna (it still hurts immensely) zbog te cijele situacije. Na drugu stranu mi je pak dah stao kad sam vidjela taj friend request (iako je to za druge mozda sitnica i djetinasto) i srce mi je pocelo ubrzano tuci. Danas sam se smirila, bila sam kratko na moru i plivala i na miru pokusala odluciti sto cu.

Ausschnitt aus einer meiner E-Mails vom 12.8.2011

Ich habe draußen nachgedacht (ich bin nicht aufgewühlt) und für mich steht fest, dass ich X. ganz klar schreiben werde, dass das was sie geschrieben hat nicht stimmt. U.a. habe ich überlegt, ihr eine Art Ultimatum zu stellen (sprich: sei ehrlich zu dir und zu mir, entschuldige dich für dein Verhalten oder sonst ist aus). Das werde ich aber nicht tun. All das (Ehrlichkeit, Entschuldigung) hätte von ihr selbst kommen müssen und das ist es nicht. (Ich will ihr nicht Bedingungen stellen und auch nicht von ihr etwas fordern, das so/automatisch hätte da sein sollen.) Ich kann sie nicht ändern, das wird sie schon selbst tun müssen (diesen Prozess wird sie allein durchlaufen oder auch nicht). Ebenso wie sie erkennen müssen wird, falls sie dazu in der Lage ist, dass sie vieles falsch gemacht hat (ihr Verhalten war unter aller Sau und alles andere als korrekt) und es sich bei mir dadurch verschissen hat. Ich kann und werde ihr aber genau schreiben, was ich inakzeptabel finde (in ihrer letzten Nachricht, ich werde nicht andere Dinge aus der Vergangenheit hervorkramen und sie aufrollen). Ich werde ihr ganz genau meine Grenzen aufzeigen und sie wissen lassen, dass sie mich nicht für dumm verkaufen kann. Ich werde ihr z.B. auch so etwas wie "das (dass sie keine Verantwortung übernimmt, mir die Schuld gibt - also typisch passiv-aggressives Verhalten ihrerseits) habe ich nicht nötig, dafür bin ich mir zu schade, mit mir nicht etc." schreiben. Warum sollte ich mir das bieten lassen? Ok, sie hat ein Problem, ganz offensichtlich, ich war für sie da, wollte ihr helfen etc. Einige meiner Freundinnen haben mir geraten, dass ich X. vorschlagen soll, dass sie zu einem Psyhotherapeuten oder Psychologen gehen soll (falls sie es nicht schon tut). Das werde ich höchstwahrscheinlich nicht tun. (Eine meinte, dass ich X. das Buch Primal Scream wärmstens empfehlen und zukommen lassen sollte.)

Meine Mutter und ich (wir kennen X. ja beide gleich lang, bloß unterschiedlich gut) glauben ihr das was sie über Z. und ihren "friend with benefits" erzählt nicht. Kuck mal, sie schiebt auch Z. die Schuld in die Schuhe. Mich würde mal Z.'s Version (oder Sicht der Dinge) interessieren.

Wie gesagt, ich vertraue und glaube X. nicht mehr. Ich denke nicht, dass sie versuchen wird diesen Vertrauensbruch zu kitten. Ich traue ihr aber wieder so ein nicht ehrlich gemeintes "ja, dann ist eben alles meine Schuld" zu. Dabei geht es nicht darum, wer Schuld hat, sondern darum, dass sie sich mir gegenüber nicht wie einer Freundin gegenüber verhält. Ich habe nichts getan, was ihre Respektlosigkeit rechtfertigen könnte.

The closeted lion

She (in her 50-s, never been married, no children, zodiac sign: lion) has commented several times on my short hair and she has asked me why I'm wearing my hair like this and since when and if I ever had long hair. In my experience, women who ask me such questions more than once are usually at least bi-curious but most of them are closeted lesbians who are too afraid to ask directly whether I'm playing for the same team as them.

She has asked me for or mentioned my zodiac sign at least six times now. I've told her a few times "you've already asked me that (twice/four times etc.)". I once asked her "why are you asking me this?" and she replied something like "I just wanted to know". She's a bad liar.

Last Saturday, when she introduced me to one of her female friends (ex-lawyer/now artist), she told me and her friend that we both have the same zodiac sign. Her friend retorted "as if this is important".

While we were hanging out she receveid a phone call and put it on speaker ([das macht .., wenn sie den/die Anrufer/in nicht mag und meist sagt sie das den Leuten auch, aber nicht sofort!!!]) so that her friend and I could hear the conversation. The woman who called her first pretended to be a man and talked in a lower voice and told our mutual friend "nabijem te" (vulgar for I'm nailing/penetrating/entering you - normally men use this kind of language).

Yesterday I borrowed a line from the movie Elena Undone and I asked her "you know that I'm gay?". She replied unconvincingly and flustered: "no, how would I know that? Does one just know that?". I told her: "people who are honest with me tell me that it's obvious". She retorted: "Why would it be obvious? Because of your hair?". (She betrayed herself with this last question, IMO.) I said "no, not because of my haircut, because of everything (the whole picture)". Less than a minute afterwards she asked me whether I knew that there was a lesbian organization in a nearby city. I never met a straight person who not only knows about this organization but about other ones as well. She proceeded to tell me that one of her female friends who isn't "that" because she is married to a man and has a child is attending some of the computer courses the organization offers. I didn't tell her that one can be in a straight relationship or married to a man and have ten children and still be bisexual or gay.

added November 15, 2011: Yesterday I met a friend (or an acquaintance) of hers. The man is in his late 50s. He's married and has kids. Among other things, he called her "asexual" and told her that she had a different sexual orientation. She didn't retort anything. A couple of minutes later she told him that he's always like that (= talking about sex, asking personal/intimate questions, putting his nose in other people's business etc.). He asked her: "when was the last time you were shagged/fucked" ("kad si se zadnji put kresnula?"). She laughed and I think that she asked him something like "is that any of your business?" or "why does that matter to you?".

He asked me "do you have a boyfriend?". I told him "No. I'm gay, I have a girlfriend". He disapprovingly looked at me from head to toe and said "I thought so". He told us that when a man tells a woman that he's gay or bisexual that they are immediately more interested in him because they want to heal him and because women are perverted in his opinion. Our mutual friend shook her head in disagreement and snorted at his remark while she contemptuously repeated the word "heal". In his opinion, women do not find macho men appealing at all. He thinks that it's useless if a man behaves like a macho and tells a woman "I would do this with/to you".

added December 9, 2011: She never answered the following questions: - when was your last relationship [RS] (with a man and/or a woman)?, - how long did your longest RS last, who broke up with who and WHY?, - do you have a type?, - what do you look for in a partner/a RS?

Ausschnitt aus einer meiner E-Mails vom 19.7.2011

Das war doch keine Wissensfrage. Was ist das also für eine Antwort, dass sie es nicht wüsse? Wenn sie es nicht weiß, wer dann? Es ging darum, wie sie sich das vorstellt mit unserem E-Mailaustausch/Freundschaft. Hat sie denn keine Vorstellungskraft?

Mir ist klar, dass sie einer Antwort ausweicht und mir den Ball ins Spielfeld haut, damit die Verantwortung von sich schiebt. Sie scheint nicht diejenige, die sich entscheidet, sein zu wollen. Ihr letzer Satz (bzw. ihre Frage ohne Fragezeichen), ob ich denn will, dass sie sich nicht mehr meldet, zeigt doch ganz deutlich in welche Richtung sie denkt oder was sie meint/(fälschlicherweise annimmt), dass ich möchte - interessant, dass sie vermutet, dass ich es beenden möchte anstatt dass sie auf die Idee gekommen ist, dass ich einen weniger oberflächlichen und engeren Kontakt, der u.a. auch gegenseitige Besuche und Schreiben über Gedanken, Gefühle, Privates einschließt, mit ihr haben möchte.

Ausschnitt aus einer meiner E-Mails von 21.7.2011

X.'s "Antwort" hast du ja wahrscheinlich bereits gelesen. Sie hat nichts über ihre Erwartungen an bzw. Vorstellungen von einer Freundschaft geschrieben. Sie meint, sie weiß nicht, ob wir schaffen die Freundschaft aufrechtzuerhalten und ich bin an dem Punkt angelangt, wo ich das gar nicht mehr will (liegt sicher auch daran, dass ich sie gar nicht mehr als Freundin sehen kann, da sie mir keine Freundin ist). Sie kämpft nicht, sie geht auf meine Nachrichten nicht ein, sie zeigt keine Anteilnahme, sie zeigt mir nicht (oder zumindest nicht in einem für mich ausreichendem Maß), dass ihr was an unserer Freundschaft oder an mir liegt, sie scheint zu glauben, dass ihre oberflächlichen und kurzen Nachrichten ausreichen ... Was soll ich dazu noch schreiben? Auf die Idee mir zu schreiben, dass sie mich gerne wiedersehen würde oder mich nach Deutschland einzuladen, kommt sie nicht. Ich erkenne bei ihr nicht den Willen, es zu schaffen. Wenn man will, kann die Freundin am anderen Ende der Welt sein und man kann trotzdem alles mögliche tun (telefonieren, skypen, Briefe schreiben, kleine Geschenke verschicken, Besuche und gemeinsame Urlaube planen etc.) um weiterhin ein Teil im Leben der Freundin zu sein. ... Und außerdem bei ihren Worten "so große Distanz" lachen doch die Hühner. Ich kann da nur müde mit dem Kopf schütteln. Für die große Entfernung zwischen uns hat nicht die geographische Distanz gesorgt. sondern sie selbst mit ihrem Verhalten (ihrer Kälte, ihrer Intoleranz, ihrem Neid usw.). Von der Insel ... dauert der Flug nach ... nicht mal zwei Stunden und selbst mit dem Auto, wenn auf der Strecke über die Schweiz keine Staus etc. sind, ist man in weniger als 12 Stunden in ....

Ich kann sehr gut verstehen, dass du dich mit ...'s Problemen, obwohl sie dir nicht egal ist, denn sonst würdest du dich bei ihr nicht melden, nicht mehr belasten möchtest. Bei mir ist es immer mehr so, dass ich mich von Leuten (good-weather "friends"), die nicht für mich da waren, wenn es mir schlecht ging sondern sich nur meldeten, wenn sie was wollten oder brauchten, distanziere bzw. mit ihnen nichts zu tun haben möchte. Interessanterweise bekommt man dann zu hören, dass sie so etwas von einem nicht erwartet hätten oder dass man die Freundschaft zu Grunde gehen lassen hat. Das nennt man dann wohl verdrehen von Tatsachen, aber ok.

Coming out to you

When I came out to you in 2008, you told me that you couldn't care less what sexual orientation your friends have. (In 2010, you said something similar: "the sexual orientation of my friends is so unimportant to me". Later I thought that the sexual orientation of a friend of yours may one day be very important to you if you ever fall for a gay guy.) You didn't want to make a big deal of my coming out - as if it happened every day to you that a friend whom you'd known for 18 years suddenly tells you that she's interested in women. You acted as if it was no big deal. I remember that you told me that you had bisexual and gay women among your friends and acquaintances. Funny how you had never told me this before.

Honestly, I don't get it and I'm not the only one who doesn't. My friends agree with me that you must have assumed that I wasn't straight but that you for some reason never confronted me with your assumption. My mom thinks that you would have reacted differently if the "news" were something you never expected or thought of. In her opinion, you'd have said something like: "Really? I would have never thought that. I'm surprised ..." etc.

You never asked me questions like "how or since when do you know?" or "have you ever been physically attracted to me or have you ever had feelings for me?".

I didn't expect that you'd say "this has got to be celebrated" or that you'd throw a party for me but I didn't except either that you would be so indifferent like "ok, what's for dinner?".

You never offered to me that you'd go with me to a gay bar or a queer club or party. I'm not reproaching you anything just comparing. You never were a party person. When it comes to that, we were very similar. I have never been into clubbing and partying either but I love to listen to music and watch people (especially some women, of course :-)) dance and have fun on the terrace of a beach lounge bar, for example. You never tried to set me up with one of your bisexual or gay female friends. I never asked you to but I think that it would have been a nice gesture if you had at least offered it.
In 2009, I met a straight girl from abroad and we spend six days together. On the second day she told me that she would accompany me to a queer party if she lived in my country or if there was one while she was here. I hadn't asked her. I had just told her that I had considered attending a queer party for the first time in my life but that I hadn't done it so far because I'm not into partying and drinking and because I thought that I therefore wouldn't enjoy myself. Back then I would have liked someone to go with me because I didn't want to go by myself. Now I wouldn't have a problem of going to lesbian party alone.