Only some of your messages can make me stop breathing for a short moment. Only you can make my heart skip a beat. You're the only woman I dream of from time to time [edit October 9th, 2011: that has changed]. Whenever you appear in my dreams I remember every word you said and how you looked at me when I wake up. Only you can make me yelp at a train station when I'm waiting for you and when I can't conceal any longer how much I've missed you and how excited I am to see you again. Some people around me gave me weird looks and they were embarrassed for me but I didn't care.
In "The Good Wife", Will tells Alicia in his second voice message that she doesn't get "I've probably loved you ever since Georgetwown". You know since fall 2010 that I've had feelings for you for a very, very long time. You never asked me since when exactly when I told you this. If you had asked me I'd have told you that I have loved you ever since high school.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
seeing right through you
A., C.'s ex-girlfriend and your friend, asked you to mediate between her and C. (her ex-boyfriend). You told me that C. had told you that he didn't want to get back together with A. and that he didn't want you to give him any messages from her. Normally, I'd say that it must be very hard to choose whose side you're going to be on when two of your friends, who used to be a couple, break up. Their mutual friends all out of sudden were between a rock and a hard place.
When A. saw through you and called you out on your shit, you ended your friendship (told her that you weren't friends anymore). A. had confronted you with her assumption that you and C. were in a relationship or having an affair or that you want something from him. You were indignant or you feigned indignation at how she could allege such a thing to you. You called her allegations preposterous. In my opinion, you couldn't be friends with A. any longer because she had seen through you (she had discovered the truth). A. knew that you were lying to her and you knew it too. Instead of being honest to her and to yourself and instead of behaving maturely and admitting that you had feelings for her ex-boyfriend C. you pretended to be shocked that she could implicitly blame you for being partly responsible for their breakup. You acted as if A.'s reproaches were completely unfair and unjustified. The truth is you wanted A. out of the way because you wanted C. to be single since you wanted to be with him.
I remember that I had asked you "do or did you have an affair with him (C.)?" during one of our walks in the woods when you were recounting the whole situation with A. You denied it. I then asked you "ok, but do you want something from him?". You didn't say anything and you stared at the ground. (Why does this sound so familiar?) I asked you again and you admitted that you indeed were interested in him. Back then you were at least honest to me although it was very difficult for you to let the truth leave your tongue and your lips.
When A. saw through you and called you out on your shit, you ended your friendship (told her that you weren't friends anymore). A. had confronted you with her assumption that you and C. were in a relationship or having an affair or that you want something from him. You were indignant or you feigned indignation at how she could allege such a thing to you. You called her allegations preposterous. In my opinion, you couldn't be friends with A. any longer because she had seen through you (she had discovered the truth). A. knew that you were lying to her and you knew it too. Instead of being honest to her and to yourself and instead of behaving maturely and admitting that you had feelings for her ex-boyfriend C. you pretended to be shocked that she could implicitly blame you for being partly responsible for their breakup. You acted as if A.'s reproaches were completely unfair and unjustified. The truth is you wanted A. out of the way because you wanted C. to be single since you wanted to be with him.
I remember that I had asked you "do or did you have an affair with him (C.)?" during one of our walks in the woods when you were recounting the whole situation with A. You denied it. I then asked you "ok, but do you want something from him?". You didn't say anything and you stared at the ground. (Why does this sound so familiar?) I asked you again and you admitted that you indeed were interested in him. Back then you were at least honest to me although it was very difficult for you to let the truth leave your tongue and your lips.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
when you stop defending and standing up for someone
Here's what some of my friends and family members have said about you after you began to treat me like crap. Among other things, they called you:
- mean
- evil
- (emotionally) cold
- selfish
- unfair
- (borderline) cruel
- a witch
- the devil's wife
- indifferent
- "bockiges Kind" (German for stubborn/sulky child)
- lacking life/lifeless/deprived of life
- inconsiderate and stunted behavior
- sadistic, schizoid narcissist/machiavellist/socio-path with a borderline/anti-social personality disorder
...
- mean
- evil
- (emotionally) cold
- selfish
- unfair
- (borderline) cruel
- a witch
- the devil's wife
- indifferent
- "bockiges Kind" (German for stubborn/sulky child)
- lacking life/lifeless/deprived of life
- inconsiderate and stunted behavior
- sadistic, schizoid narcissist/machiavellist/socio-path with a borderline/anti-social personality disorder
...
Saturday, July 16, 2011
So many questions, so few answers
I'll publish a “small” part of a report I sent to a friend in June last year (I have added some information in parentheses for clarity). It’s about how I fail to understand what has happened between my former best friend (I call her X) and me. I have looked at this whole situation with X from various angles and I have talked about it with friends, with people I’ve just met (lol, this is out of character for me), and with my mother, who btw is a retired psychiatrist, but I still have neither come to a conclusion nor reached some kind of closure.
So, here it goes:
The dream was triggered by something that happened between my "straight" (???) best friend, whom I have known for almost 20 years, and me last month [in May 2010]. She said and did some things that were very hurtful for me. There are a few parallels between my dream and real life, for instance the sudden distance and widening gap I feel between her and me. I'm still trying to figure out why we aren't as close as we used to be. My explanations for her behavior are extremely contradictory. On the one hand I believe that she has difficulties accepting the "new me" (I came out to her in 2008 and I've changed a lot) and I even had the feeling that she might hate my guts because of the way she behaved. On the other hand, however, I think that she might have (platonic) feelings for me but that she would rather lose me as a friend than admit them. [Third explanation: X has some serious issues with herself and she projected them into me.]
X came to visit me with one of her female friends [from now on Y], whom she has known for 9 years and who was a complete stranger to me, and we spent one week together in May. We went camping and on a short road trip for five nights. My best friend and I slept in one tent while Y slept in her car. Nothing sexual/intimate happened. I haven't seen my best friend as more than a friend and I haven't felt physically attracted to her before this camping trip.
I noticed during this week that we spent together that something was bugging my best friend (quite often I saw her chewing her fingernails, she either evaded my gaze or looked darkly at me, her arms very crossed in front of her chest very often etc.). She was verbally aggressive towards me (insulting and condescending) and she was pissed off at me and I didn't know why because I hadn't done anything (apart from being me :S but that sufficed obviously).
No matter what I did or said it seemed to be wrong. I had the feeling that she wanted to change me completely. All of a sudden, it seemed to bother her where I live (X: “when are you going to move out?”, we were sitting on my terrace when she asked me this, me: “why would I move out?”, she didn’t reply anything) and that I’m freelancing (X: “when are you going to find yourself a permanent job?”, me: “Why would I? I love being a freelancer.” X - in a very angry but somehow also resigned voice: “then be free!!!”). She mocked me because of my vegan diet and asked me to explain it to her, which I did even though we had already talked about it in depth more than four years ago. She commented on my outfit (in a way that was definitely not constructive) – which she had never done before: “do you really want to to wear this? Don’t you want to change?”. She made fun of my German Spitz because, among other things, in her opinion “such small dogs aren’t real dogs”. When I told X and Y that I’m happier in Croatia than I was in Germany despite all the bad and negative things that have happened here since my return, X asked me on several occasions to explain it to her instead of being happy for me.
X. and I went shopping for groceries with our dogs early one morning (without Y.) and she told me reproachfully after we had run into one of my acquaintances: "with every woman from your home town there's a reason why nothing more comes of it". I was flabbergasted at first and then like "so what?". (I seriously didn't understand at that time why it bothered her that my girlfriend lives in another country and that I'm in a LDR instead of being in a relationship with a woman from my town. Later on, I thought that one only explanation that made sense to me and that was logical was that it must have been hurtful for her that I also used to crush or be in a relationship with a girl who lived abroad while X. and I still went to the same school - I told X. everything about my
hidden and secret past after I came out to her. I aked myself whether she ever wondered why I don't fall for her and why I'm not in love with her but if she did then it would mean that she has been at least emotionally gay for me for a long time and I had no fucking clue.) I retorted "I have every right to keep it like that". X. didn'comment on that but remained silent. She knew that it was out of question for me to settle for what I called "foul compromises". Yes, it's absolutely true that there often was not just one reason why I didn't want to get involved with (engage in a relationship with) some of the women I had told her about (just to name a few: one-sidedness, psychiatric drug addiction, intellectually and/or emotionally not on the same page or not compatible).
[One of my Serbian friends told me, after I had recounted to her how things went down between X and me, that she would have told X "tamo su vrata" (= the door is over there = leave! = get the fuck out of here) immediately after X's question when I would move out of my house. I told my friend "but ... I couldn't have done something like that - we've been friends for twenty years ...". She retorted: "No buts! It doesn't matter how long you knew each other. She's an asshole and didn't treat you as a friend".]
X either gave me evasive replies when I asked her what was wrong or she told me that nothing was wrong but I could clearly see that this was not the case. She didn't face me and couldn't even look me straight into the eyes when I tried to have a serious conversation with her about what was going on, that is why I think that she was keeping something from me.
There was a lot of tension and unspoken things. I tried talking to X on several occasions and even told her once "we REALLY need to talk" but she ignored me and gave me the silent treatment. Even her friend Y asked a couple of times jokingly (I think that she also felt that X had crossed some boundaries): "shall I go inside or leave you two alone so that you can talk?" I think that this whole situation and the fact that I still don't know what caused the distance between my friend and me even haunts me in my dreams because I'm not getting any answers to my questions from her.
Before X came to visit me in a little more than a month ago (now it’s more than 13 months ago) we hadn't seen each other for quite a long time since I left Germany (where I spent ca. 29 years of my life) in January 2009 and returned to my home country. X and I kept in touch, kept each other in the loop about everything that was happening in our lives, we e-mailed and skyped almost every day and we were both looking forward to seeing each other again. We both told each other often over the phone things like: "I miss you", "I can't wait to see you again" etc.
The first thing my friend did when she got out of the car in front of my house were I was waiting for her and Y to arrive was that she hugged me although we have never greeted each other this way before (we used to only say hi and/or shake hands when we saw each other). [X is definitely not a touchy-feely person unless when it comes to her dog or other animals.] I was very happy to see her again and I told her that I couldn't believe that she was finally here. X smiled at me and seemed genuinely happy...
However, even before we went on this camping trip [we spent two nights in my house] I noticed that my friend was very quiet. I ascribed this to her tiredness and the long drive from Germany to Croatia. The few times that X actually said something it always left me wondering what she was talking about because the things she said to me were completely unsubstantiated (later on I admitted that X was partially right). For instance she told me in front of her friend: "you don't let other people near/close enough to you" or "you haven't had luck in love since the last time we played cards at your place (in Germany)" [we were playing cards on my terrace and I was losing repeatedly like usually, X’s comment was IMO prompted by one of our inside jokes “unlucky at cards, lucky in love” – I still have absolutely no idea which year she was referring to]. I was like "What? What are you talking about?" because she knew that I'm in relationship and that I'm happily in love with my girlfriend [now ex-girlfriend]. This was one of the situations in which I said to X that we really need to talk and Y asked whether she should go inside so that X and I could talk in private. [X had never told me something like that before which made me wonder later on “why now?”, “why in front of Y?” (for me this was a breach of trust), “when has X become so interested in my private life?”, “since when has she all of these opinions about it?” etc.
Since I had noticed that something (or almost everything) was amiss and since I had the feeling that X was for some reason angry at me I asked her whether she still wanted me to accompany her and Y on the camping trip and she said yes. I thought that we might have more time to talk and clear things up and that I might find out what X's problem was but that didn't happen because my friend pretended that everything was fine when I asked her what was wrong and after trying several times I didn't want to insist on a serious conversation because I didn't want to ruin her vacation. (I then broke off our camping trip prematurely because I couldn’t bear this whole situation anymore. Afterwards, I reproached myself that I haven’t demanded or pressed for an explanation for her weird behavior. I was hurt, confused, and incredibly sad, but instead of telling X how I felt I packed my bags and left. I told her later in one of my e-mails. Timing obviously wasn't my forte.)
During the whole week that we spent together my friend only asked me once whether things were going well between my girlfriend and me. Her voice was barely audible when she asked me this because she was whispering and she stared at the ground and didn't dare to look at me as if she was afraid of my reply.
I even asked X once point-blank whether she was jealous. She replied “why would I be jealous of you?” and tried to laugh it off contemptously but it wasn’t convincing. Back then, it had not occurred to me that I should have asked her whether she’s jealous of other women. Prior to this short “conversation” X could not stop teasing me about the night before. X, Y, me and the dogs had gone for a walk but after approximately 30 minutes Y and X told me that they were exhausted and that they would go back to the camping ground with their dogs. Since I wasn’t tired at all I told them that I would walk to the old town of R. and first find an internet café to check my emails etc. and that I would later look for a nice café or lounge bar with a terrace facing the sea and chillax there. When I returned to the camping ground a few hours later X and Y were still awake. X immediately started teasing me “I thought that you would be in a club all night, hook up with a girl and would sneak back into the tent early in the morning”. I told her I never said that. The next morning (which was also our “last” morning) X continued teasing me about the previous night. In Germany there's a saying "was sich neckt, das liebt sich" (those who tease each other are in love with each other).
There was another situation [this was shortly before we said goodbye] where I had the impression that X is jealous. I told her that I wanted to visit a woman I met last summer [2009] because we had a nice time together and I thought that we could become friends. X then told me reproachfully: "You're going to fall in love with her, TOO". I was totally taken aback by this comment bacause I didn't know what had prompted the hurt I heard in her voice. Instead of asking her how this "TOO" in her sentence was meant, I assured her that this was not going to happen not only because I have a girlfriend but also because I'm not at all attracted to this woman. Again, she could not look at me directly and when I succeeded to catch her eyes she quickly looked away.
One of the last things X told me was “if you leave now we don’t have to say goodbye again at the airport”. [X and her dog had to return to Germany a few days before Y that’s why she had booked a flight. Y and her dog returned to Germany in her car.] To me, it sounded like “if you leave now it’s over/we’re done". I had the feeling that she was trying to emotionally blackmail me to stay...
Did I feel like you led me on? Physically no, but mentally and emotionally yes. Never before had I experienced such a mindfuck as with you.
What is it to you how close I let other people? How did you form your opinion that I don't let people near enough to me? I don't know what your opinion about this matter was based on. You were my best friend and I used to tell you almost everything. Mentally and emotionally I let you closer to me than anyone else. You were the person who knew me the best. (You were my closest friend and now I think that you're my closeted friend.) I know that I used to hold a lot of things back and I'm still very introverted most of the time but I never opened up to anyone as much as I did to you while I still considered you my best friend (until May 2010). I asked myself whether you thought that I didn't let you close enough to me. If this was the case, why have you never told me? I still wonder whether you ever wanted me to be physically closer to you? I'm sure that you weren't talking about other people. Why would you care how close I let other people? It bothered you that I didn't let you closer. You couldn't have meant mentally/intellectually/emotionally (you know, like talking about your innermost feelings, thoughts, wishes etc.) - I think that you meant physically but you'd never admit that. I'm sure that a part of you wants to be with me and another part of you is confused and terribly scared. You want me but you're too afraid to say or show it and I want someone who isn't afraid to say that they want me. I guess we've reached an impasse.
There's a Croatian saying which states that a dog doesn't bark because of the village but because of himself ("ne laje pas zbog sela nego zbog sebe). Maybe one day you'll realize that you've been barking up the wrong tree, maybe you'll have a moment of truth/clearvoyance and admit that you had feelings for a woman (for me) and maybe it will be too late for us then.
tbc
So, here it goes:
The dream was triggered by something that happened between my "straight" (???) best friend, whom I have known for almost 20 years, and me last month [in May 2010]. She said and did some things that were very hurtful for me. There are a few parallels between my dream and real life, for instance the sudden distance and widening gap I feel between her and me. I'm still trying to figure out why we aren't as close as we used to be. My explanations for her behavior are extremely contradictory. On the one hand I believe that she has difficulties accepting the "new me" (I came out to her in 2008 and I've changed a lot) and I even had the feeling that she might hate my guts because of the way she behaved. On the other hand, however, I think that she might have (platonic) feelings for me but that she would rather lose me as a friend than admit them. [Third explanation: X has some serious issues with herself and she projected them into me.]
X came to visit me with one of her female friends [from now on Y], whom she has known for 9 years and who was a complete stranger to me, and we spent one week together in May. We went camping and on a short road trip for five nights. My best friend and I slept in one tent while Y slept in her car. Nothing sexual/intimate happened. I haven't seen my best friend as more than a friend and I haven't felt physically attracted to her before this camping trip.
I noticed during this week that we spent together that something was bugging my best friend (quite often I saw her chewing her fingernails, she either evaded my gaze or looked darkly at me, her arms very crossed in front of her chest very often etc.). She was verbally aggressive towards me (insulting and condescending) and she was pissed off at me and I didn't know why because I hadn't done anything (apart from being me :S but that sufficed obviously).
No matter what I did or said it seemed to be wrong. I had the feeling that she wanted to change me completely. All of a sudden, it seemed to bother her where I live (X: “when are you going to move out?”, we were sitting on my terrace when she asked me this, me: “why would I move out?”, she didn’t reply anything) and that I’m freelancing (X: “when are you going to find yourself a permanent job?”, me: “Why would I? I love being a freelancer.” X - in a very angry but somehow also resigned voice: “then be free!!!”). She mocked me because of my vegan diet and asked me to explain it to her, which I did even though we had already talked about it in depth more than four years ago. She commented on my outfit (in a way that was definitely not constructive) – which she had never done before: “do you really want to to wear this? Don’t you want to change?”. She made fun of my German Spitz because, among other things, in her opinion “such small dogs aren’t real dogs”. When I told X and Y that I’m happier in Croatia than I was in Germany despite all the bad and negative things that have happened here since my return, X asked me on several occasions to explain it to her instead of being happy for me.
X. and I went shopping for groceries with our dogs early one morning (without Y.) and she told me reproachfully after we had run into one of my acquaintances: "with every woman from your home town there's a reason why nothing more comes of it". I was flabbergasted at first and then like "so what?". (I seriously didn't understand at that time why it bothered her that my girlfriend lives in another country and that I'm in a LDR instead of being in a relationship with a woman from my town. Later on, I thought that one only explanation that made sense to me and that was logical was that it must have been hurtful for her that I also used to crush or be in a relationship with a girl who lived abroad while X. and I still went to the same school - I told X. everything about my
hidden and secret past after I came out to her. I aked myself whether she ever wondered why I don't fall for her and why I'm not in love with her but if she did then it would mean that she has been at least emotionally gay for me for a long time and I had no fucking clue.) I retorted "I have every right to keep it like that". X. didn'comment on that but remained silent. She knew that it was out of question for me to settle for what I called "foul compromises". Yes, it's absolutely true that there often was not just one reason why I didn't want to get involved with (engage in a relationship with) some of the women I had told her about (just to name a few: one-sidedness, psychiatric drug addiction, intellectually and/or emotionally not on the same page or not compatible).
[One of my Serbian friends told me, after I had recounted to her how things went down between X and me, that she would have told X "tamo su vrata" (= the door is over there = leave! = get the fuck out of here) immediately after X's question when I would move out of my house. I told my friend "but ... I couldn't have done something like that - we've been friends for twenty years ...". She retorted: "No buts! It doesn't matter how long you knew each other. She's an asshole and didn't treat you as a friend".]
X either gave me evasive replies when I asked her what was wrong or she told me that nothing was wrong but I could clearly see that this was not the case. She didn't face me and couldn't even look me straight into the eyes when I tried to have a serious conversation with her about what was going on, that is why I think that she was keeping something from me.
There was a lot of tension and unspoken things. I tried talking to X on several occasions and even told her once "we REALLY need to talk" but she ignored me and gave me the silent treatment. Even her friend Y asked a couple of times jokingly (I think that she also felt that X had crossed some boundaries): "shall I go inside or leave you two alone so that you can talk?" I think that this whole situation and the fact that I still don't know what caused the distance between my friend and me even haunts me in my dreams because I'm not getting any answers to my questions from her.
Before X came to visit me in a little more than a month ago (now it’s more than 13 months ago) we hadn't seen each other for quite a long time since I left Germany (where I spent ca. 29 years of my life) in January 2009 and returned to my home country. X and I kept in touch, kept each other in the loop about everything that was happening in our lives, we e-mailed and skyped almost every day and we were both looking forward to seeing each other again. We both told each other often over the phone things like: "I miss you", "I can't wait to see you again" etc.
The first thing my friend did when she got out of the car in front of my house were I was waiting for her and Y to arrive was that she hugged me although we have never greeted each other this way before (we used to only say hi and/or shake hands when we saw each other). [X is definitely not a touchy-feely person unless when it comes to her dog or other animals.] I was very happy to see her again and I told her that I couldn't believe that she was finally here. X smiled at me and seemed genuinely happy...
However, even before we went on this camping trip [we spent two nights in my house] I noticed that my friend was very quiet. I ascribed this to her tiredness and the long drive from Germany to Croatia. The few times that X actually said something it always left me wondering what she was talking about because the things she said to me were completely unsubstantiated (later on I admitted that X was partially right). For instance she told me in front of her friend: "you don't let other people near/close enough to you" or "you haven't had luck in love since the last time we played cards at your place (in Germany)" [we were playing cards on my terrace and I was losing repeatedly like usually, X’s comment was IMO prompted by one of our inside jokes “unlucky at cards, lucky in love” – I still have absolutely no idea which year she was referring to]. I was like "What? What are you talking about?" because she knew that I'm in relationship and that I'm happily in love with my girlfriend [now ex-girlfriend]. This was one of the situations in which I said to X that we really need to talk and Y asked whether she should go inside so that X and I could talk in private. [X had never told me something like that before which made me wonder later on “why now?”, “why in front of Y?” (for me this was a breach of trust), “when has X become so interested in my private life?”, “since when has she all of these opinions about it?” etc.
Since I had noticed that something (or almost everything) was amiss and since I had the feeling that X was for some reason angry at me I asked her whether she still wanted me to accompany her and Y on the camping trip and she said yes. I thought that we might have more time to talk and clear things up and that I might find out what X's problem was but that didn't happen because my friend pretended that everything was fine when I asked her what was wrong and after trying several times I didn't want to insist on a serious conversation because I didn't want to ruin her vacation. (I then broke off our camping trip prematurely because I couldn’t bear this whole situation anymore. Afterwards, I reproached myself that I haven’t demanded or pressed for an explanation for her weird behavior. I was hurt, confused, and incredibly sad, but instead of telling X how I felt I packed my bags and left. I told her later in one of my e-mails. Timing obviously wasn't my forte.)
During the whole week that we spent together my friend only asked me once whether things were going well between my girlfriend and me. Her voice was barely audible when she asked me this because she was whispering and she stared at the ground and didn't dare to look at me as if she was afraid of my reply.
I even asked X once point-blank whether she was jealous. She replied “why would I be jealous of you?” and tried to laugh it off contemptously but it wasn’t convincing. Back then, it had not occurred to me that I should have asked her whether she’s jealous of other women. Prior to this short “conversation” X could not stop teasing me about the night before. X, Y, me and the dogs had gone for a walk but after approximately 30 minutes Y and X told me that they were exhausted and that they would go back to the camping ground with their dogs. Since I wasn’t tired at all I told them that I would walk to the old town of R. and first find an internet café to check my emails etc. and that I would later look for a nice café or lounge bar with a terrace facing the sea and chillax there. When I returned to the camping ground a few hours later X and Y were still awake. X immediately started teasing me “I thought that you would be in a club all night, hook up with a girl and would sneak back into the tent early in the morning”. I told her I never said that. The next morning (which was also our “last” morning) X continued teasing me about the previous night. In Germany there's a saying "was sich neckt, das liebt sich" (those who tease each other are in love with each other).
There was another situation [this was shortly before we said goodbye] where I had the impression that X is jealous. I told her that I wanted to visit a woman I met last summer [2009] because we had a nice time together and I thought that we could become friends. X then told me reproachfully: "You're going to fall in love with her, TOO". I was totally taken aback by this comment bacause I didn't know what had prompted the hurt I heard in her voice. Instead of asking her how this "TOO" in her sentence was meant, I assured her that this was not going to happen not only because I have a girlfriend but also because I'm not at all attracted to this woman. Again, she could not look at me directly and when I succeeded to catch her eyes she quickly looked away.
One of the last things X told me was “if you leave now we don’t have to say goodbye again at the airport”. [X and her dog had to return to Germany a few days before Y that’s why she had booked a flight. Y and her dog returned to Germany in her car.] To me, it sounded like “if you leave now it’s over/we’re done". I had the feeling that she was trying to emotionally blackmail me to stay...
Did I feel like you led me on? Physically no, but mentally and emotionally yes. Never before had I experienced such a mindfuck as with you.
What is it to you how close I let other people? How did you form your opinion that I don't let people near enough to me? I don't know what your opinion about this matter was based on. You were my best friend and I used to tell you almost everything. Mentally and emotionally I let you closer to me than anyone else. You were the person who knew me the best. (You were my closest friend and now I think that you're my closeted friend.) I know that I used to hold a lot of things back and I'm still very introverted most of the time but I never opened up to anyone as much as I did to you while I still considered you my best friend (until May 2010). I asked myself whether you thought that I didn't let you close enough to me. If this was the case, why have you never told me? I still wonder whether you ever wanted me to be physically closer to you? I'm sure that you weren't talking about other people. Why would you care how close I let other people? It bothered you that I didn't let you closer. You couldn't have meant mentally/intellectually/emotionally (you know, like talking about your innermost feelings, thoughts, wishes etc.) - I think that you meant physically but you'd never admit that. I'm sure that a part of you wants to be with me and another part of you is confused and terribly scared. You want me but you're too afraid to say or show it and I want someone who isn't afraid to say that they want me. I guess we've reached an impasse.
There's a Croatian saying which states that a dog doesn't bark because of the village but because of himself ("ne laje pas zbog sela nego zbog sebe). Maybe one day you'll realize that you've been barking up the wrong tree, maybe you'll have a moment of truth/clearvoyance and admit that you had feelings for a woman (for me) and maybe it will be too late for us then.
tbc
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Leaving Scars & Jaded Hearts in Your Wake
Approximately eight years ago we were sitting on my bed telling each other about our scars and how we got them. When I told you about a nasty scar on the inside of my upper arm you said to me that you wanted to see it. I refused to show it to you explaining to you that it is really awful. I compared it to a gunshot wound. You insisted that you wanted to see it nevertheless and you looked disappointed when I didn't give in.
Later on I couldn't help but think of a scene from the movie Lethal Weapon 3 in which Rene Russo and Mel Gibson compare battle scars and partially undress. It was laden with sexual tension.
tbc
Later on I couldn't help but think of a scene from the movie Lethal Weapon 3 in which Rene Russo and Mel Gibson compare battle scars and partially undress. It was laden with sexual tension.
tbc
Friday, July 1, 2011
losses and traumatic experiences
May 2009: my five-month-old puppy was run over by a truck and had to be put to sleep two days later
August 2009: my maternal grandfather died in his sleep (aged 89) - I had nursed him for more than six months prior to his death [he had been bedbound, incontinent and senile for years - nevertheless I couldn't agree with a friend of mine who said that my granddad's passing away was a relief and a liberation for himself and for everyone else who took care of him
autumn 2009: two of my friends were killed in a car accident
March 2011: my maternal grandmother died six days before her 86th birthday (she had fallen and broken her right hip and her wrist - my grandmom had to undergo surgery and spend almost two weeks in an intensive care unit; a few days after she had been released home from hospital she passed away)
August 2009: my maternal grandfather died in his sleep (aged 89) - I had nursed him for more than six months prior to his death [he had been bedbound, incontinent and senile for years - nevertheless I couldn't agree with a friend of mine who said that my granddad's passing away was a relief and a liberation for himself and for everyone else who took care of him
autumn 2009: two of my friends were killed in a car accident
March 2011: my maternal grandmother died six days before her 86th birthday (she had fallen and broken her right hip and her wrist - my grandmom had to undergo surgery and spend almost two weeks in an intensive care unit; a few days after she had been released home from hospital she passed away)
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