You tried to make me feel as if it was all my fault and as if I would have to change and be a certain way so that you could like me.
You pretended that your life was perfect and that you didn't have any problems. You acted as if you knew everything best. Guess what, content people aren't being hateful towards others for no reason and they don't go around hurting others intentionally. IMO, happy people who have no worries don't chew their fingernails until they bleed as you did.
You desperately searched for reasons and pretexts to dislike me. Some of them were insanely absurd.
I'm not saying that you're bi or gay but I know that you're unhappy because some parts of your life didn't turn out as you had wished and imagined. It happens to everyone. There's no need to beat yourself up because of it. You're too hard to yourself. There are things in life that we just can't control no matter how hard we try. You don't have to feel as a failure.
What hurt me the most was that you couldn't talk to me about it and that you shut me out even though I was your best friend. I doubt that you'll be able to be honest with someone else about the things that are bothering you since you couldn't open up to me although you had known me for 20 years.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
not the only gay in the village
In a little more than 28 months I've only seen one lesbian couple holding hands in public in my home town - they were German tourists and not locals. [Oddly enough, they mistook me for a guy. I heard one of the women say to her girlfriend "Mensch, ist der braun" meaning "man, look how tanned he is".] Since it was high season the promenades and sidewalks were packed with people. While some individuals (locals) looked at them in shock, awe and disbelief as if they had seen an alien, most people (tourists) didn't even notice them or they didn't seem to care.
The majority of the local gays and lesbians in my town appear to be afraid of their own shadow. Some of them seem to be hiding behind big dark sunglasses that they're wearing even in winter when it's cloudy and rainy. One could compare them to little scared animals that would probably flee in panic if someone approached them. So far only one young gay woman has smiled at me when she saw me waiting in a line at a supermarket. Back then I had no idea that she's gay - I figured that out a lot later. :D Since then I've walked past her and her (girl-)friend [?] a couple of times - we were in a hurry and heading in opposite directions. She looked friendly and interested both of the times but she never said "hi" or anything like that to me. I overheard her telling her friend "that's the girl I've ..." when they were passing me by. Judging from her reaction, her friend (whom I would describe as soft butch who's sporting an assymetrical alternative lifestyle haircut) didn't seem to be interested in me at all. I mean, what was I supposed to do? Stop them in their tracks and say something stupid like "hi, I'm gay, too", "hi, yes, I'm a dyke in case you're still wondering which I highly doubt" or "great to see that I'm not only lesbian around here"?
The majority of the local gays and lesbians in my town appear to be afraid of their own shadow. Some of them seem to be hiding behind big dark sunglasses that they're wearing even in winter when it's cloudy and rainy. One could compare them to little scared animals that would probably flee in panic if someone approached them. So far only one young gay woman has smiled at me when she saw me waiting in a line at a supermarket. Back then I had no idea that she's gay - I figured that out a lot later. :D Since then I've walked past her and her (girl-)friend [?] a couple of times - we were in a hurry and heading in opposite directions. She looked friendly and interested both of the times but she never said "hi" or anything like that to me. I overheard her telling her friend "that's the girl I've ..." when they were passing me by. Judging from her reaction, her friend (whom I would describe as soft butch who's sporting an assymetrical alternative lifestyle haircut) didn't seem to be interested in me at all. I mean, what was I supposed to do? Stop them in their tracks and say something stupid like "hi, I'm gay, too", "hi, yes, I'm a dyke in case you're still wondering which I highly doubt" or "great to see that I'm not only lesbian around here"?
Monday, May 23, 2011
lesbian online dating
- talk on the phone with her or skype as soon as possible to confirm that you're actually chatting with a woman (if you're just looking for pen pals or e-pals and have absolutely no desire to meet your pen friend you can probably skip this piece of advice)
- unless you're looking for a threesome I can't think of a reason why you should accept that the woman you're about to meet for the first time wants to bring her best friend to your first date
- it's harder for most people to lie on the phone than in e-mails and text messages because they have less time to come up with lies and to think about what they are going to say (moreover, their voice can give them away and make you see through them) ... notorious and experencied liars are an exception to the rule
tbc
- unless you're looking for a threesome I can't think of a reason why you should accept that the woman you're about to meet for the first time wants to bring her best friend to your first date
- it's harder for most people to lie on the phone than in e-mails and text messages because they have less time to come up with lies and to think about what they are going to say (moreover, their voice can give them away and make you see through them) ... notorious and experencied liars are an exception to the rule
tbc
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
unleash your heart
Did I ever imagine what it would be like to kiss you? Yes, I did and in my mind it was pretty fucking amazing (sensual, passionate, and breath-taking) but I was very well aware of the discrepancy between my fantasy and reality. In reality, I didn't find you attractive, I didn't feel attracted to you until last year and I didn't feel the urge to kiss you.
I guess a part of me always knew that love should not be so hard, so frustrating, so impossible, so one-sided, and so unrequited as it was with you.
Until last year I had no reason to doubt that you were straight although you had never been in a relationship with a man. You used to talk to me about your crushes - the objects of your desire were never women. However, nothing ever came of these crushes. You used to say that you just wanted to have fun (you never used the word sex) and not a relationship with one of these guys. Come to think of it, your vocabulary was very vague and infantile when you talked or wrote about your crushes. Quite often you told me that not only you but also some of your friends think that a certain guy "wants something from you". You and your friends had noticed for instance that he seemed to be jealous when you hung out with other men since he wanted to know where you were, with whom and how long you'd be gone. I asked you several times in the course of at least five years why you didn't talk to him alone about your attraction to him or your feelings for him but you couldn't or didn't want to give me a reply. (You were in your mid to late twenties and he was ten years older than you if I remember correctly).
I never met him so that I never had the chance to hear his version of "your" story. (Since you and I never lived in the same town or city, I never met the majority of your friends. I recall that one of your roommates didn't believe you that I existed given that she had never seen me at your place.)
You were definitely jealous of his girlfriends and you completely lost it when one of his girlfriends got pregnant. You were angry at him that he had not used a condom. You asked me whether it was possible that she had gotten pregnant "so quickly" and you told me that they had met only recently. You reconstructed chronologically that they must have had sex on the first night they met. You didn't want to believe that it was his child and you told me that his girlfriend already had three kids from two men. You wanted him to do a paternity test. You claimed that you were so concerned about this whole thing because you didn't want his girlfriend to use and exploit him and because you didn't want him to pay alimentation to someone else's child.
The fact that he smoked pot always irritated you and you tried several times to convince him to stop. You often told me that you would end your friendship with him if he didn't stop and you allegedly told him the same thing but you did it only when he found his "dream woman" and moved in with her (= when he was seemingly off the market for good).
There are quite a few parallels between the way you treated men you were interested in and the way you acted and behaved towards me since May 2010. You once told me how you had given your crush the cold shoulder because he had not done what you had expected him to do. You wanted him to take the lead but he didn't. That's why you "punished" him by letting him talk to your back and refusing to turn and face him. You gave him the silent treatment and made him feel unwelcome and like a nuisance. I felt sorry for the guy because he hadn't done anything wrong. I guess that he liked you but that he for some reason didn't want to take the initiative. Maybe he was scared that you'd reject him because of the mixed and very confusing signals that you'd been sending him. It's very likely that at some point he thought that you're playing hard to get. He put up with that for quite a long time and it seems that he decided that you're not worth the trouble.
A few years ago you confided in me that you had never been in love. I found that hard to believe because you definitely had feelings for a couple of guys over several years - maybe you just didn't want to call it love because these men didn't reciprocate your feelings. It had never crossed my mind that you might be asexual until my mother pointed it out to me. I couldn't agree with her. In my opinion, you were just a late-bloomer and sexually inexperienced.
I guess a part of me always knew that love should not be so hard, so frustrating, so impossible, so one-sided, and so unrequited as it was with you.
Until last year I had no reason to doubt that you were straight although you had never been in a relationship with a man. You used to talk to me about your crushes - the objects of your desire were never women. However, nothing ever came of these crushes. You used to say that you just wanted to have fun (you never used the word sex) and not a relationship with one of these guys. Come to think of it, your vocabulary was very vague and infantile when you talked or wrote about your crushes. Quite often you told me that not only you but also some of your friends think that a certain guy "wants something from you". You and your friends had noticed for instance that he seemed to be jealous when you hung out with other men since he wanted to know where you were, with whom and how long you'd be gone. I asked you several times in the course of at least five years why you didn't talk to him alone about your attraction to him or your feelings for him but you couldn't or didn't want to give me a reply. (You were in your mid to late twenties and he was ten years older than you if I remember correctly).
I never met him so that I never had the chance to hear his version of "your" story. (Since you and I never lived in the same town or city, I never met the majority of your friends. I recall that one of your roommates didn't believe you that I existed given that she had never seen me at your place.)
You were definitely jealous of his girlfriends and you completely lost it when one of his girlfriends got pregnant. You were angry at him that he had not used a condom. You asked me whether it was possible that she had gotten pregnant "so quickly" and you told me that they had met only recently. You reconstructed chronologically that they must have had sex on the first night they met. You didn't want to believe that it was his child and you told me that his girlfriend already had three kids from two men. You wanted him to do a paternity test. You claimed that you were so concerned about this whole thing because you didn't want his girlfriend to use and exploit him and because you didn't want him to pay alimentation to someone else's child.
The fact that he smoked pot always irritated you and you tried several times to convince him to stop. You often told me that you would end your friendship with him if he didn't stop and you allegedly told him the same thing but you did it only when he found his "dream woman" and moved in with her (= when he was seemingly off the market for good).
There are quite a few parallels between the way you treated men you were interested in and the way you acted and behaved towards me since May 2010. You once told me how you had given your crush the cold shoulder because he had not done what you had expected him to do. You wanted him to take the lead but he didn't. That's why you "punished" him by letting him talk to your back and refusing to turn and face him. You gave him the silent treatment and made him feel unwelcome and like a nuisance. I felt sorry for the guy because he hadn't done anything wrong. I guess that he liked you but that he for some reason didn't want to take the initiative. Maybe he was scared that you'd reject him because of the mixed and very confusing signals that you'd been sending him. It's very likely that at some point he thought that you're playing hard to get. He put up with that for quite a long time and it seems that he decided that you're not worth the trouble.
A few years ago you confided in me that you had never been in love. I found that hard to believe because you definitely had feelings for a couple of guys over several years - maybe you just didn't want to call it love because these men didn't reciprocate your feelings. It had never crossed my mind that you might be asexual until my mother pointed it out to me. I couldn't agree with her. In my opinion, you were just a late-bloomer and sexually inexperienced.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
and then there are the things you just know, sense, feel with absolute certainty
I couldn't sleep with you right next to me while you were sound asleep. How could you sleep after all the things you told me and that unsettled me utterly? How could it be that you were or pretended to be fine? How could you hurt me immensely and sleep tightly afterwards? In our friendship, you were the taker and I was the giver. I always knew that I cared more deeply about you than you did about me. You might ask how can one measure that. Instinct! You just feel it. Plus, the usual stuff: you're almost always the one to call her first, the one who writes longer e-mails/texts, who invites her to spend time together etc.
I know that it was easier for you to make believe that you can't stand me than to admit that you have feelings for me as well. I'm not saying that you were physically attracted to me. Your aggressiveness, your meanness, your constant bickering and your disrespectfulness towards me were a huge turn-off for me. I know that you pulled a Santana on me and that you will never apologize for being mean to me. I know that you don't have it in you. I know that you are scared shitless and that you will never have the strength and courage to come out of the closet. I had no reason to doubt that you're straight until last year. I'm sure that you're bi-romantic even though you claim that you've never been in love. You call yourself a "head person" (the opposite would be a "heart person") which is to say that you consider yourself a rational and not an emotional person.
Someone once wrote that the opposite of love isn't hate but indifference. I think that when someone is hateful to you it shows that they still care. They probably used to like you a lot or love you until something happened that upset them and that made them mad at you. Seeing how hateful you were to me I couldn't help but wonder what I had done to piss you off and what I could do to make everything between us alright again.
I know that you were lying when I asked you what was wrong and you replied "NOTHING". I wasn't born yesterday and I know that nothing usually means everything.
I heard the hurt and the jealousy or envy (?) in your voice when you said reproachfully to me while you stared right past me "you'll fall in love with her, too" after I had told you that I was going to visit a woman I had met in 2009 because I thought that she and I might become friends. You didn't dare to look me in the eyes when I assured you that this was not going to happen because I wasn't in the least attracted to her. You were too afraid that your eyes would have given you off - that I would have seen in them what I had already heard and felt. Even when I succeeded to catch your glance you quickly averted your eyes. You couldn't trust me because you didn't trust yourself. You had known me for almost twenty years. You knew that I considered you my best friend. How could you think that I could ever let you down or that I could ever intentionally hurt you?
Maybe you just wouldn't have been such a joykill if you had been happily in love yourself. Maybe you just needed to get laid. An acquaintance of mine said that maybe you just had PMS which made me laugh even though your cold, mean and weird behavior had left me heart-broken and devastated. I wished that you "just" had a serious case of chronic PMS instead of serious issues.
You never really understood me and I would definitely not describe you as my soulmate. You are not a person whom it is easy to love but I DID. My love for you was self-effacing. I never told you how much I admired you and how protective I felt about you even though I knew that you were physically strong enough to beat the crap out of me on any given day. I always wished for you to be happy even if the person that made you happy wasn't me.
You have been a classic tomboy since I've known you. You played different kinds of sports (soccer, karate, rock climbing, cross country skiing). You never wore dresses, a handbag, high heels or make-up. You preferred to wear jeans, cargo pants, T-Shirts and a hoodie. You told me that you HATE PINK (the color).
Rejection always sucks but it sucks even more when you know that someone let something good die just because she is a coward.
I know that it was easier for you to make believe that you can't stand me than to admit that you have feelings for me as well. I'm not saying that you were physically attracted to me. Your aggressiveness, your meanness, your constant bickering and your disrespectfulness towards me were a huge turn-off for me. I know that you pulled a Santana on me and that you will never apologize for being mean to me. I know that you don't have it in you. I know that you are scared shitless and that you will never have the strength and courage to come out of the closet. I had no reason to doubt that you're straight until last year. I'm sure that you're bi-romantic even though you claim that you've never been in love. You call yourself a "head person" (the opposite would be a "heart person") which is to say that you consider yourself a rational and not an emotional person.
Someone once wrote that the opposite of love isn't hate but indifference. I think that when someone is hateful to you it shows that they still care. They probably used to like you a lot or love you until something happened that upset them and that made them mad at you. Seeing how hateful you were to me I couldn't help but wonder what I had done to piss you off and what I could do to make everything between us alright again.
I know that you were lying when I asked you what was wrong and you replied "NOTHING". I wasn't born yesterday and I know that nothing usually means everything.
I heard the hurt and the jealousy or envy (?) in your voice when you said reproachfully to me while you stared right past me "you'll fall in love with her, too" after I had told you that I was going to visit a woman I had met in 2009 because I thought that she and I might become friends. You didn't dare to look me in the eyes when I assured you that this was not going to happen because I wasn't in the least attracted to her. You were too afraid that your eyes would have given you off - that I would have seen in them what I had already heard and felt. Even when I succeeded to catch your glance you quickly averted your eyes. You couldn't trust me because you didn't trust yourself. You had known me for almost twenty years. You knew that I considered you my best friend. How could you think that I could ever let you down or that I could ever intentionally hurt you?
Maybe you just wouldn't have been such a joykill if you had been happily in love yourself. Maybe you just needed to get laid. An acquaintance of mine said that maybe you just had PMS which made me laugh even though your cold, mean and weird behavior had left me heart-broken and devastated. I wished that you "just" had a serious case of chronic PMS instead of serious issues.
You never really understood me and I would definitely not describe you as my soulmate. You are not a person whom it is easy to love but I DID. My love for you was self-effacing. I never told you how much I admired you and how protective I felt about you even though I knew that you were physically strong enough to beat the crap out of me on any given day. I always wished for you to be happy even if the person that made you happy wasn't me.
You have been a classic tomboy since I've known you. You played different kinds of sports (soccer, karate, rock climbing, cross country skiing). You never wore dresses, a handbag, high heels or make-up. You preferred to wear jeans, cargo pants, T-Shirts and a hoodie. You told me that you HATE PINK (the color).
Rejection always sucks but it sucks even more when you know that someone let something good die just because she is a coward.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Is she or isn't she at least bi?
How can you know? Many women claim to be straight even though they're not. If a woman tells me that she's only interested in men I respect that even when I find it hard to believe. I would never say something like "but I saw how you ogled the hot waitress" to her. (Besides, women can always say/pretend that they just liked the jeans or the top that the woman they were having eye sex with was wearing.) Sometimes I find out later that I have rightfully doubted her. One of my friends told me that you cannot really be 100 % sure that a woman is attracted to women or gay until she tells you. But IMO even then you can't be sure. I've heard stories about women who have been in a lesbian relationship for several years and then break up with their partners telling them that they have never been gay (they go hasbian on them).
My gaydar/ladar/lesdar (or whatever you prefer to call it) used to suck big time but it has improved over the past few years. When it comes to femmes, it still doesn't work most of the times. Maybe it just needs stronger batteries for femmes, lipstick lesbians, girly girls etc. :-)
In my experience, two out of three women who wear silver thumb rings aren't gay.
I once asked one of my facebook friends: "if a woman wrote you 'I have the COMPLETE The L Word series in my possession and other awesome movies' would you evaluate this as an implicit coming out?". My fb friend replied something like: "lol, yes I would". Unfortunately, the lady who posseses the complete TLW series 'came out' as straight/interested in men/looking for a boyfriend a couple of weeks after her 'confession'. Even before I met her in person I assumed that she's at least bi because of the way she looked in her photos. I could say "I guess I was wrong" but I won't. I think that she's in denial.
My gaydar/ladar/lesdar (or whatever you prefer to call it) used to suck big time but it has improved over the past few years. When it comes to femmes, it still doesn't work most of the times. Maybe it just needs stronger batteries for femmes, lipstick lesbians, girly girls etc. :-)
In my experience, two out of three women who wear silver thumb rings aren't gay.
I once asked one of my facebook friends: "if a woman wrote you 'I have the COMPLETE The L Word series in my possession and other awesome movies' would you evaluate this as an implicit coming out?". My fb friend replied something like: "lol, yes I would". Unfortunately, the lady who posseses the complete TLW series 'came out' as straight/interested in men/looking for a boyfriend a couple of weeks after her 'confession'. Even before I met her in person I assumed that she's at least bi because of the way she looked in her photos. I could say "I guess I was wrong" but I won't. I think that she's in denial.
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