unleash your heart

Did I ever imagine what it would be like to kiss you? Yes, I did and in my mind it was pretty fucking amazing (sensual, passionate, and breath-taking) but I was very well aware of the discrepancy between my fantasy and reality. In reality, I didn't find you attractive, I didn't feel attracted to you until last year and I didn't feel the urge to kiss you.

I guess a part of me always knew that love should not be so hard, so frustrating, so impossible, so one-sided, and so unrequited as it was with you.

Until last year I had no reason to doubt that you were straight although you had never been in a relationship with a man. You used to talk to me about your crushes - the objects of your desire were never women. However, nothing ever came of these crushes. You used to say that you just wanted to have fun (you never used the word sex) and not a relationship with one of these guys. Come to think of it, your vocabulary was very vague and infantile when you talked or wrote about your crushes. Quite often you told me that not only you but also some of your friends think that a certain guy "wants something from you". You and your friends had noticed for instance that he seemed to be jealous when you hung out with other men since he wanted to know where you were, with whom and how long you'd be gone. I asked you several times in the course of at least five years why you didn't talk to him alone about your attraction to him or your feelings for him but you couldn't or didn't want to give me a reply. (You were in your mid to late twenties and he was ten years older than you if I remember correctly).

I never met him so that I never had the chance to hear his version of "your" story. (Since you and I never lived in the same town or city, I never met the majority of your friends. I recall that one of your roommates didn't believe you that I existed given that she had never seen me at your place.)

You were definitely jealous of his girlfriends and you completely lost it when one of his girlfriends got pregnant. You were angry at him that he had not used a condom. You asked me whether it was possible that she had gotten pregnant "so quickly" and you told me that they had met only recently. You reconstructed chronologically that they must have had sex on the first night they met. You didn't want to believe that it was his child and you told me that his girlfriend already had three kids from two men. You wanted him to do a paternity test. You claimed that you were so concerned about this whole thing because you didn't want his girlfriend to use and exploit him and because you didn't want him to pay alimentation to someone else's child.

The fact that he smoked pot always irritated you and you tried several times to convince him to stop. You often told me that you would end your friendship with him if he didn't stop and you allegedly told him the same thing but you did it only when he found his "dream woman" and moved in with her (= when he was seemingly off the market for good).

There are quite a few parallels between the way you treated men you were interested in and the way you acted and behaved towards me since May 2010. You once told me how you had given your crush the cold shoulder because he had not done what you had expected him to do. You wanted him to take the lead but he didn't. That's why you "punished" him by letting him talk to your back and refusing to turn and face him. You gave him the silent treatment and made him feel unwelcome and like a nuisance. I felt sorry for the guy because he hadn't done anything wrong. I guess that he liked you but that he for some reason didn't want to take the initiative. Maybe he was scared that you'd reject him because of the mixed and very confusing signals that you'd been sending him. It's very likely that at some point he thought that you're playing hard to get. He put up with that for quite a long time and it seems that he decided that you're not worth the trouble.

A few years ago you confided in me that you had never been in love. I found that hard to believe because you definitely had feelings for a couple of guys over several years - maybe you just didn't want to call it love because these men didn't reciprocate your feelings. It had never crossed my mind that you might be asexual until my mother pointed it out to me. I couldn't agree with her. In my opinion, you were just a late-bloomer and sexually inexperienced.