I couldn't sleep with you right next to me while you were sound asleep. How could you sleep after all the things you told me and that unsettled me utterly? How could it be that you were or pretended to be fine? How could you hurt me immensely and sleep tightly afterwards? In our friendship, you were the taker and I was the giver. I always knew that I cared more deeply about you than you did about me. You might ask how can one measure that. Instinct! You just feel it. Plus, the usual stuff: you're almost always the one to call her first, the one who writes longer e-mails/texts, who invites her to spend time together etc.
I know that it was easier for you to make believe that you can't stand me than to admit that you have feelings for me as well. I'm not saying that you were physically attracted to me. Your aggressiveness, your meanness, your constant bickering and your disrespectfulness towards me were a huge turn-off for me. I know that you pulled a Santana on me and that you will never apologize for being mean to me. I know that you don't have it in you. I know that you are scared shitless and that you will never have the strength and courage to come out of the closet. I had no reason to doubt that you're straight until last year. I'm sure that you're bi-romantic even though you claim that you've never been in love. You call yourself a "head person" (the opposite would be a "heart person") which is to say that you consider yourself a rational and not an emotional person.
Someone once wrote that the opposite of love isn't hate but indifference. I think that when someone is hateful to you it shows that they still care. They probably used to like you a lot or love you until something happened that upset them and that made them mad at you. Seeing how hateful you were to me I couldn't help but wonder what I had done to piss you off and what I could do to make everything between us alright again.
I know that you were lying when I asked you what was wrong and you replied "NOTHING". I wasn't born yesterday and I know that nothing usually means everything.
I heard the hurt and the jealousy or envy (?) in your voice when you said reproachfully to me while you stared right past me "you'll fall in love with her, too" after I had told you that I was going to visit a woman I had met in 2009 because I thought that she and I might become friends. You didn't dare to look me in the eyes when I assured you that this was not going to happen because I wasn't in the least attracted to her. You were too afraid that your eyes would have given you off - that I would have seen in them what I had already heard and felt. Even when I succeeded to catch your glance you quickly averted your eyes. You couldn't trust me because you didn't trust yourself. You had known me for almost twenty years. You knew that I considered you my best friend. How could you think that I could ever let you down or that I could ever intentionally hurt you?
Maybe you just wouldn't have been such a joykill if you had been happily in love yourself. Maybe you just needed to get laid. An acquaintance of mine said that maybe you just had PMS which made me laugh even though your cold, mean and weird behavior had left me heart-broken and devastated. I wished that you "just" had a serious case of chronic PMS instead of serious issues.
You never really understood me and I would definitely not describe you as my soulmate. You are not a person whom it is easy to love but I DID. My love for you was self-effacing. I never told you how much I admired you and how protective I felt about you even though I knew that you were physically strong enough to beat the crap out of me on any given day. I always wished for you to be happy even if the person that made you happy wasn't me.
You have been a classic tomboy since I've known you. You played different kinds of sports (soccer, karate, rock climbing, cross country skiing). You never wore dresses, a handbag, high heels or make-up. You preferred to wear jeans, cargo pants, T-Shirts and a hoodie. You told me that you HATE PINK (the color).
Rejection always sucks but it sucks even more when you know that someone let something good die just because she is a coward.
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