bittersweet memories

JUST SOME RANTING, FEELINGS ... I'll have to edit this later

Don’t do/say/write cute stuff to me because it’s sweet and adorable and it makes me melt and then I have to figure out how to return to a solid state again by myself … and because on the other hand it’s bitter and it hurts because it makes me think/hope that you have feelings for me too. Don’t give me hope that one day we might be more than friends when this will not happen … it makes things so immensly harder for me. I’m not saying that you lead me on on purpose but I did and do feel misled sometimes.

A memory - one of so many: She and I played the board game “Therapy” once and one of the questions she had to answer was what part of my body she liked the best. She shyly told me “your smile”. I looked at her in disbelief (this revelation was surprising to me and I had no idea what part of my body she liked the best before and I had never asked myself that). I said something like: “So you mean my lips? Because a smile isn’t a body part”. She confirmed “yeah, I wish I had lips like yours”. She then asked me what part of her body I liked the best even though she was the one who had the card with this question and the rules of the game stated that she had to answer it (not somebody else, not me). She wasn’t playing this game anymore. That was clear. I told her “your cheekbones”.

I remember that a few months before she came to visit me I had told her that I was planning on attending a queer party and I told her what I was going to wear and what I was taking with me and I asked her whether I had I forgotten anything and she replied “your cell phone … because of all the phone numbers you’ll get”. AW!!! (My mom told me "You haven’t forgotten that" when I recounted her this for the second time. How could I ever forget that?) And OUCH because later it made me wonder even more when your postive opinion about me had changed into a negative one. Suddenly I asked myself things like "did it or did you just act as if it did and if it did why did it?", and "why is she now trying to bring me down when she used to build me up before ocassionally?".

Of course, you’re entitled to your opinion, but tell me what is is based on, explain it to me, what makes you think so, you hadn't any arguments most of the time