Memories of a former stone butch

There was a time in my life when I (thought I) was a stone butch. Just imagining giving up control and letting someone take me weirded me out (paralyzing fear). Was it just a matter of trust, of horniness, of feeling safe and truly loved and wanted or something else? In this blog post I'd
like to recall when, how and why this has changed and what part the women I loved
played in my (d)evolution. I used to see myself as top and wouldn't have agreed
to be a switch or a bottom back then.

I used to get gratification solely from giving pleasure.

When it comes to the realm of sex, I never liked the terms "giver" and "receiver" or "taker". In my opinion a woman who wanted to have sex with me or who let me make love to her gave me so much more than
I could ever give to her.

I didn't want my sexual partners to "return the favor".

Later on I realized that giving up control is extremely liberating and sexy and that the idea of submission to a woman in bed turns me on.

I remember that I was happy (I was in my late teens or early twens
when I watched the "crucial" episode) when the main character in the TV series Ellen came out (first to herself and than to her friends) and even happier when she fell in love
but for some reason I could neither relate to Ellen nor to other lesbians. I
was so deep in the closet and in denial that I was even homophobic back then.
I was
also in my late teens when I saw (or it was the first time that I was
aware that the two women who were holding hands and who kissed each other goodbye and whom I saw in the street were a couple) "my
first real lesbian couple" in real life.
Age: 17, 18 or 19 - high school locker room, we were changing after
physical education and my eyes fell on the breasts of one of my class mates. I had
to force myself to avert my glance. It's not that I was so fascinated by the view because I wanted to have such beautiful and perfect breasts like her but because
I was aroused by it. It was undeniable.


When I was 27 or 28 I once had a dream in which a black topless woman with short hair pushed me on the dryer
in one of the corners of my bathroom and had her will with me and made me very wet (I was totally into her
but she was definitely the active one/the top while I was rather passive and
the bottom). I rememer waking up aroused and with a huge satisfied grin on my face. It was one of
the hottest dreams I have ever had.

no body dysmorphia, taboo/forbidden areas, former times: not wanting to take off my sports bra and/or boxer shorts in bed, boundaries which I communicated openly and which my lovers either "had to" respect and
accept or I wouldn't have gotten involved with them in the first place or would have fled/left, I never wanted to change my sex and/or be a man, I never felt
as if I was born in the wrong body, not transsexual, started to have phantasies about a woman/women going down on me, seahorse vs. star fish, while most straight
people perceive me as "masculine" most gay and queer women (the ones
I didn't sleep with) in my
life told me things like "you're not masculine, you have such
soft facial features, you are so empathetic etc." or even "you're not butch") tbc