I'm (numb-)ok when I succeed in keeping myself busy and not thinking about how and why the friendship with X. ended. I know that I have never wanted it to end, especially not like this. I can't or don't want to believe that she's really so indifferent towards it and me. I keep telling myself that it's impossible that someone who sends you a friend request in the beginning of July 2011 and who starts confiding in you again like in the good old times doesn't care whether you'll remain friends or not less than 40 days later. I don't get it. I don't want to believe that an almost 21-year friendship and I don't mean anything to X. I'm disappointed with myself that I failed to save this friendship.
One of my friends told me that two of her heterosexual friends who are a married couple now met on a speed dating event. I'm just writing you this because I'm trying to think of the least time-consuming ways to meet as many single lesbian or bisexual women as possible. A few years ago, I had considered going on a lesbian cruise or to the International Women's Festival in Eressos on the Greek island of Lesbos because it's supposed to be packed with gay women during the festival (just like the German L-Beach which is compared to Dinah Shore).
I also don't feel badly if I don't reciprocate someone's feelings or attraction to me. Luckily it has happened only once so far that a male friend of mine had a crush on me (back then I wasn't out but nevertheless I still wonder how he could be completely oblivious to my queerness) and it made me feel a little bit uncomfortable. I remember explaining to him that I'm not interested in a relationship with anyone because I wanted to concentrate on my studies. Since I tend to find solutions to "problems" I encouraged him to meet other women.
I have had to reject only a few people in my life up til now. In my experience, even saying things like "you're a great guy/girl, it's not about yout, it's about me, I'm very busy etc." it doesn't immediately help people to move on. I still regret rejecting (several times, she was persistent) a girl I met during orientation week at the university in ... although almost 12 years have passed since then. She had asked me out on a date the first day we met. It totally weirded me out because I was still in the closet and in denial even though I have aready been quite butch appearance-wise as a kid. :-) I asked myself: "how did she know I'm gay"? Long story short, she pursued me for almost a year, I was running out of ways to say no to her, I liked her too and I wanted to say yes but I couldn't because I wasn't ready to come out, she was angry with me when she finally gave up, although I didn't lead her on and even though I haven't been mean to her (I haven't intentionally hurt her feelings), I still feel that I owe her an explanation or an apology.
In my opinion, it's not evil if it annoys you that a person doesn't back off even though you've told them that you don't like them that way or that you're just interested in being friends.
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