P.S. Things between .. and me have deteriorated since last week Monday. (The only progress "we" made is that I told her some of the things that bug me in our relationship.) We didn't have a fight but some sort of dispute. .. had accused me that I enlarge the distance/gap between us just by stating how different she and I are when it comes to being open/candid or secretive/mysterious/guarded. I immediately protested and told her that she wrests the facts and that I won't take the responsibility for this (the distance) and that in my opinion the person who isn't frank or trustful, who doesn't open up who has secrets and doesn't confide in their partner is the one who hinders a couple from having a closer/more intimate relationship.
Prior to this disagreement .. had asked me some very intimate and private questions and I replied honestly to them. However, she didn't want to answer the same questions in return. I told her that this isn't fair and .. told me that she never said that it was fair (this reminded me of a conversation that Alicia and Kalinda had in the series The Good Wife) - so .. is fully aware that her behavior towards me isn't fair.
There have been a few very similar situations in the past months. Even when I just ask .. whether I can ask her a question and when she just assumes that it might be a question that'll somehow be uncomfortable for her she tells me a priori that she won't give me a reply. .. told me that she only tells some people in her life some things about herself when she thinks that she can trust them and when she's sure that they won't tell her secrets anybody else. In my opinion, she indirectly told me that she doesn't trust me or that she has trust issues. I find the former hurtful because I think that I'm trustworthy and because I make myself vulnerable to her. I understand that someone must have betrayed her trust in the past. On the one hand, I don't want to be the one who has to "pay" for that and who has to "prove" that I "deserve" her trust. On the other hand, I would like to help her work through her trust issues but as a friend and not as her partner. I feel sorry for .. that she has such a problem but I don't want to suffer because of it.
.. asked me why I expect answers to my questions right away. I told her that I didn't and that it's okay for two people to be different and that a relationship can work if both of them are tolerant and respect each other's differences. The thing that bothers me isn't the fact that .. and I are different but the facts that she was unfair to me, that she tried to pin the blame on me for the distance between us and that she made fun of my needs (e.g. a balanced relationship).
.. and I haven't seen each other since this argument last week. We've only exchanged a few e-mails and neither of us has directly adressed what has happened so far.
I haven't made up my mind yet what I should do and how I should deal with this dilemma and how I should end things if I decided that this was the right thing to do (I don't even know whether these are irreconcilable differences). I know that I don't want things to remain as they were since I find ..'s unfairness and her accusations mean and inacceptable. I don't think that .. will all of a sudden change and I think that I don't have the patience to wait around until she does.
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