If you ever wanted me I thought that you should know that you're losing me. You haven't been there for me. You didn't understand me. I didn't feel happy the last time when we were together. In fact, I never felt so alone and so misunderstood as I felt during our camping trip. I didn't enjoy spending time with you and I realized that I had more fun and a much better time with some people I just met. They didn't make me cry. On the contrary, with some of them I laughed more in six days than I did with you in twenty years.

And now there's another woman. I never used to like or love someone just because they were nice to me. You didn't treat me right and you didn't give me what I needed - nevertheless I fell in love with you even though it felt off. I was angry with myself that I could have feelings for someone who treats me badly. It was a physical reaction and it was more than that. I didn't fall for you when you behaved like an asshole towards me. I melted when I realized how vulnerable you were beneath your coolness and toughness. I knew that I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who I couldn't even consider a friend anymore. I didn't want to feel attracted to you and I was glad that your behavior was a huge turn off and that I didn't find you attractive. There was this one situation in which I felt aroused by you and later I gave myself a hard time for it (I didn't want to have more than just platonic feelings for you, I couldn't understand how I could feel attracted to someone who treated me so poorly, I didn't want to fall for a straight friend not just because it's such a cliche and many queer women seem to have made such or similar experiences as some kind of rite of passage but because I thought that you didn't reciprocate the phisical attraction I felt for you in this moment and I knew that this moment had changed everything between us, I suddenly saw you differently, all of a sudden I didn't just fantasize what it would be like to make out with you but I desired you while you were right next to me - this was so fucking real and undeniable and I had to face it although I tried to will it away by saying "no, no, no, this can't be true" and a part of me wanted things/our friendship to be like they/it used to be before you came to visit me, then there was another part who was realistic and who knew that this was going to make everything harder to me and that I would have to deal with the "fact" that I want you and that you don't want me, and last but not least there was a part of me that believed and still believes that you have feelings for me too). I didn't want to be in love with someone who is not "right" for me. I was disappointed with myself that I could fall for the "wrong" person - for someone who isn't emotionally/intellectually on a par with me, for someone who didn't want to have all of me like I wanted all of her (including "that" as Elena puts it in the movie "Elena Undone"). I fell in love with a tiny part in you that you unfortunately let shine through only rarely. In my teens and twenties, I used to admire you. I wanted to be more like you in some aspects of my life (for instance putting myself first like you did) and not be with you.

I find it interesting that your FBW has told you that you could fall in love with him too if you only allowed it - if you let yourself fall for him. Since you have put up those walls you can put them down too if you wanted to, in his opinion. If he's right and I think that he is because human beings are capable of changing themselves using techniques such as NLP, it would mean, for instance, that we can choose the person we fall in love with or we can choose to fall out of love with someone who isn't good for us. Love is not something that has to happen to us. We don't have to wait around and hope that we'll fall in love. We can be active and open directors of our lives. Many will say now that sexual orientation isn't a choice and that one is born this (gay, bi, straight, pan ...) way. (I associate the word orientation with deliberate choice.) Others, however, say that sexuality is fluid. I can only talk about myself and I know that this isn't true when it comes to me. I don't feel physically attracted to men and I never wanted to have sex with a guy. I can be friends with guys and I can like them and care about them but I've never had sexual fantasies that included men and I never felt the urge to kiss, carress, make love to, fuck etc. a man as I do with some women.

I changed - which does not mean that I now fall for everyone who's treating me like I wanted you to treat me.

She does stuff that I find flattering and which show me that she's thinking about me and that she likes hanging out with me. She sends me text messages. She calls me. She writes and forwards me e-mails. She invites me to walks, tea, the cinema, bike trips ... She introduces me to her friends. She gives me small gifts. Most of the time she takes initiative but she also tells me when she wants me to be more active (when I'm too reluctant, indecisive or passive) - for instance, she tells me that she'd love to do something with me the next day and that I shall call or text her to arrange the date. I like her attention. I'm not in love with her. However, I'm not using her. Do I find her attractive? No. Would I fuck her? Maybe. Would I let her go down on me? Probably yes. ONS or some kind of friends with benefits-affair? ONS (I wouldn't call her a friend [yet?]. Do I love her? No. Do I want to kiss her and cuddle with her? No. Tender feelings or lust? Lust but rarely.