The pink elephant

I apologized. She aplogized. Not all is well but we're talking again. The "break" lasted from August 12th, 2011 to today (September 26th). I had ended it even though I knew that it would never be over for me. There's still this huge PINK elephant that we avoid to acknowledge. I'm convinced that you must know that I haven't stopped loving you.

I asked her, among other things, how she, her boyfriend/friend with benefits and her dog were to catch up. She didn't say anything about her boyfriend and she played the "we-game" again. She told me "we had great weather" during their vacation in South Europe this month. I feel as if she shuts me off when she uses the pronoun we but doesn't specify who was with her. Is she doing this consciously to tease and test me or isn't she even aware of it? I can just assume that this "we" either means her and him or her and one of her female friends with who she often travels abroad or her and her sister/brother/mother/father. Again I wondered whether she wants me to ask in order to see if I would be curious and jealous. But if this is her intention then my interpretation would either be that she wants to know whether I still care or that this is a some kind of power game for her (sometimes I think that she doesn't want me to be in a relationship with someone else but she can't be with me even though she wants me for herself - it's a horribly ambivalent push and pull game that she's playing). If she wants me to react possessively and in a jealous way she must like for some reason if I do behave in such a way.


I had reached a point where I found your behavior towards me unbearable. I didn't want to take it anymore since I didn't know why I should put up with it. I found it unacceptable. Later on I thought that I might have overreacted.

Some will say that I'm a masochist and that I don't deserve any better if I forgive you. But I'm not masochistic since I don't enjoy it if someone inflicts me pain. I didn't like it at all that my former best friend all off a sudden started to treat me like crap. I wanted things to be like they used to be (like, for example, us laughing together instead of her ridiculing me and me being the butt of her jokes). The thing is I can't be mad at you for a long time. I don't forget why I was angry with you. I try my best to understand you. I know that I often try to find excuses for your behavior that others deem inexcusable.

Call me pathetic. Call me needy. Call me anything you want. I just know that most of the time I'm happier when she and I are on good terms than when we're not.