I never told you that when you started to behave in such a weird way in May 2010 and I didn't know exactly what was going on that my first impulse was to pull you in my arms and hug you and tell you that everything is going to be okay but I didn't do it. I was sure that you would have pushed me away. I regret not heeding to my instinct in this moment. I still remember how I wanted to console you in 1997 when you failed 11th grade and how I tried to touch your left shoulder and embrace you from behind and and how you cowered away from my hand and arm. You were sad and close to tears but you didn't want anyone to see it. You always did your best to appear strong. You rushed away to catch your bus.
A few weeks after I came out to you in 2008, you confided in me that you had been sexually abused in your youth. Maybe this will help some of you dear readers understand why I kept my distance even though I wanted to hold you. I respected your personal space. I would have never done anything to you that you didn't want me to do. I would have never forced myself on you.
If my knowledge about what some men had done to you wasn't holding me back and if you had been a gay or bisexual single woman and had acted towards me as you did last year I would have been sure that I was facing a case of unresolved sexual tension and I would have reacted differently. I took me all the willpower I possess not to make a move on you. You have no idea how badly I wanted to you push you against a dry stonewall (simultaneously taking care that I don't hurt you) and kiss you both fiercely and softly. You'll never know how badly I wanted to grab your ass, take off your white cotton panties and make passionate, sweet and tender love to you and ravage you when I realized that I'm physically attracted you in your tent during our camping trip.
Don't assume that I think that you owe me anything or that I want some kind of prize for treating you respectfully and for being considerate of your feelings. In my opinion, any gentelady would have behaved in the same manner. I just wanted to describe what I went through.
And no, I didn't think of my girlfriend in this situation and yes, that makes me both human and an asshole because I was being emotionally unfaithful to her. Some of my friends told me that this is worse than physically cheating on your partner. I know that there's no excuse but what I felt for her doesn't even come close to what I feel for you. Bette would probably say "it doesn't really compare".
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