Nach ... fahre ich dieses Wochenende nicht, da [sie] über das verlängerte WE (in Deutschland ist ja am Montag Feiertag) mit ihrem Vater und ihrem "friend with benefits" (FWB), den sie ihrer Familie aber als ihren Freund vorgestellt hat, obwohl er es nicht ist (muss man das verstehen???) ins Ausland in die Berge fahren wird. In der Toskana war sie mit ihm auch im Urlaub, obwohl sie sich im Vorfeld nicht sicher war, ob das eine gute Idee ist, aber alles in allem wäre es das schön gewesen, meinte sie.
(Zusatz/Ergänzung vom 9.10.2011: X. hat mir erst nach diesem verlängerten Wochenende geschrieben, wo sie waren (nachdem ich mich zum zweiten Mal erkundigt hatte), obwohl ich sie davor schon gefragt hatte. Hatte sie befürchtet, dass ich in diesem Ort aufkreuzen könnte? Wenn ja, warum? Hält sie mich für eine potentielle Stalkerin? Ich bin nie jemandem aufgelauert und habe auch nicht davor damit anzufangen. Manchmal habe ich mir überlegt ihr einen Überraschungsbesuch an einem öffentlichen Arbeitsplatz (sprich: Kunden gehen und kommen da während der Öffnungzeiten wie es ihnen gerade passt) abzustatten, aber bei diesen Überlegungen blieb es auch. Außerdem weiß sie genau, dass meine Kondition nicht ausreicht, um auf 3000-er oder 4000-er zu steigen.)
Ich habe mich wieder gefragt, warum schreibt sie mir das, obgleich ich es andererseits gut finde, dass sie offen damit umgeht und sich mir anvertraut. U.a. wundere ich mich, ob sie denn selbst weiß, warum sie so ein Verhältnis eingegangen ist und wenn es ihr nur um den Sex geht, warum sie dann nicht mit einem Mann zusammen ist, der auch nur mit ihr schlafen will und nicht mit einem, der eine Beziehung will (die sie nicht will) und der im Gegensatz zu ihr verliebt ist. Ganz ehrlich, ich blicke das nicht.
Trotz all dem und obwohl ich das alles sehr merkwürdig finde, möchte ich sie weiterhin sehen. [heutiger Zusatz: manchmal möchte ich sie nach allem was war gar nicht (mehr) sehen, da ich ihr weder vergeben habe noch das Vergangene vergessen kann.] Und ja, ich würde gerne mal die Gelegenheit haben, mir einen Eindruck von ihrer "Nicht-Beziehung" bzw. von ihr und ihrem "Freund" zu machen (wie sie interagieren, wie sie sich in meiner Anwesenheit verhalten würden, wie echt ich das finde etc.). Ein Teil von mir glaubt zudem nicht, dass es den Kerl überhaupt gibt bzw. denke ich, dass es durchaus sein kann, dass er ein Freund von ihr ist, aber eben nicht mehr. Online kann sie mir ja viel erzählen, was nicht heißt, dass ich es überzeugend und glaubhaft finde, aber real kann sie zwar versuchen mir etwas vorzumachen, bloß wüsste ich dann und ich würde spüren, dass es anders ist als sie vorgibt, wenn dem so wäre. Bei ihr übernachten, will ich nicht, wegen mir selbst, da ich nicht weiß, wie es laufen wird. Für den Fall, dass mir das real dann zu unerträglich wird, finde ich es besser, dass ich einen "eigenen" Rückzugsort habe und sei es in einem Hostel oder bei einem ...
Was würdest du an meiner Stelle tun? Würdest du vorerst online (also im E-Mailaustausch) versuchen mehr zu erfahren (durchaus auch, warum sie mir das schreibt, obwohl sie weiß, dass ich Gefühle für sie hatte und ich bin mir sicher, dass sie weiß, dass sich daran nichts geändert hat und warum sie das nie thematisiert hat, sondern dazu hinterher nie etwas geschrieben hat, außer dass sie sprachlos ist und nur an Männern interessiert ist)? Hältst du es für möglich, dass sie sich darüber rein gar keine Gedanken macht? Oder verdrängt sie das bloß? Und wenn ja, warum? Warum will oder kann sie darüber nicht schreiben/reden? Sie hat mir z.B. mit keinem einzigen Wort bisher erwähnt, wo, wie und wann sie ihren FWB kennengelernt hat. Auffällig und seltsam, oder? Auch kein Wort darüber, was er beruflich macht und wie alt er ist. Bisher habe ich noch nicht gefragt, aber ich werde es tun. Was würdest du davon halten, wenn sie auf so einfache und alltägliche Fragen nicht eingeht?
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Friday, October 7, 2011
Saturday, August 6, 2011
contradictory you
In May 2010, you said in front of your friend Y. that you didn't want a relationship and that you don't miss anything. A few months prior to that you told me that you had learned to overcome your fear of hugging someone but you still didn't like it. Your hugs feel forced.
July/August 2011: You confided in me, of all people, after a almost four month long silence that a guy wants a relationship with you but that you aren't sure. If it was up to him you would be making plans for the future. According to you, he's totally in love with you and he's always looking forward to seeing you again. He misses you after a short period of time and you don't miss him. For you it's completely enough to see him on the weekends. You let me know that too much closeness and too much contact is often too much for you. You just like him and he is not really your type. Poor guy! I sincerely feel sorry for this man. He reminds me of Simone's boyfriend in the movie "Loving Annabelle". He derseves someone who loves him and who wants to be with him - and you can't give him this. That's emotionally unfair and mean. It's just a question of time until he notices how hurt, disappointed, frustrated and bitter your relationship has left him. You seem to be totally inconsiderate towards his feelings. That's plain selfish. You like his attention because it's flattering to you. Doesn't the imbalance bother you at all? Don't you think that it would be fairer to let him go so that he can find happiness with someone else who reciprocates his feelings? You told me that you couldn't promise him to be faithful. You admitted that you don't know how much longer he will be okay with this. (Instead of talking about it and confronting the issue you want to wait it out.) When he pressures you, you tell him to stop and he does. You told me that it would be "unnormal" in your opinion if he didn't pressure you (= if he didn't try to cross your boundaries). You called him a friend who you have sex with (a friend with benefits). I didn't tell you that I don't believe you that you're sleeping with him. You claim that you clearly told him from the beginning what he can get from you and that you can't offer him more and that he shall consider thorougly whether this is what he wants.
I'm aware of the fact that people change but I don't believe that you underwent such a transformation in less than a year and a half.
Warum fiel es mir schwer dir zu glauben, dass du mit diesem Freund Sex hast?
- Weil du Jungs und Männer in meiner Anwesenheit nie lustvoll angeschaut hast.
- Weil dies das erste Mal in den fast 21 Jahren, die wir uns kannten, war, dass du mir geschrieben hast, dass du mit einem Mann schläfst. Zum ersten Mal hast du das Wort Sex benutzt. Vor einigen Jahren hattest du ab und zu mal gesagt, dass du mit einem Mann bloß "Spaß" haben willst und er aber eine Beziehung will und dass dies ihm gegenüber nicht fair wäre. So versuchtest du zu erklären, warum zwischen euch beiden nichts gelaufen ist. Ich war damals der Meinung, dass er höchstwahrscheinlich nichts dagegen gehabt hätte, dass ihr ein rein sexuelles Verhältnis habt oder einen ONS, wenn du ihm gesagt hättest, dass es das ist, was du von ihm willst. Deine Erklärung fand ich also nicht plausibel und ich dachte mir, dass dies bloß ein Vorwand wäre und sich dahinter etwas anderes verbirgt.
-Weil du dich im August 2010 noch über Männer, die "sogar" über Sport- und Hobbypartnerforen nach potentiellen Partnerinnen für eine Beziehung oder eine Bettgeschichte suchen, ereifert hast. Du hast mir in diesem Zusammenhang selbst erzählt, dass dir ein Mann mit dem du dich im Chat ausgetauscht hast (übers Klettern) vorgeschlagen hat, dass er dir am Morgen danach ein Champagnerfrühstück ans Bett bringen würde. Laut eigener Angabe hast du ihm erwidert, dass er doch zu einer Hure gehen solle, wenn er es so nötig hätte. Ich fand deine Reaktion maßlos übertrieben.
-Weil du nachdem ich dir im Sommer 2010 meine Gefühle gestanden habe, plötzlich kurz danach (so kam es nicht nur mir so vor, sondern so war es auch) anfingst auszugehen und mich das wissen ließt. Kurz davor meintest du noch total entnervt, dass dir die Männer alle gestohlen bleiben können. Anfang 2011 ließt du mich wissen, dass dir deine Freunde "Ausgehhilfe" geben. Im Juli 2011 fragtest du mich aus heiterem Himmel, ob ich gerade eine Beziehung hätte. Weil du anfingst "wir" zu schreiben und mich nicht so wie früher wissen ließt, wer mit "wir" gemeint ist. Als ich mal fragte, hast du darauf nicht geantwortet. Du hast dann noch einige Male "wir" geschrieben und ich bin nicht darauf eingegangen (habe also nicht mehr gefragt, wen du mit wir meinst, z.B. du und eine Arbeitskollegin, du und eine Freundin, du und ein Mann etc.). Mir drängte sich der Eindruck auf, als ob du nur sehen wolltest, wie und ob ich auf dieses "wir" reagieren werde (ob es mich interessiert mit wem du ausgehst und dich triffst, ob ich eifersüchtige und possessive Verhaltensweisen an den Tag legen würde).
- Weil ich das Gefühl hatte, dass du mir mit allen Mitteln "beweisen" willst, dass du heterosexuell (und somit nicht bi, geschweige denn lesbisch) bist. Bloß welche Heteros tun das? Jemand, der sich seiner sexuellen Orientierung sicher ist, hat das meiner Meinung nach nicht nötig.
July/August 2011: You confided in me, of all people, after a almost four month long silence that a guy wants a relationship with you but that you aren't sure. If it was up to him you would be making plans for the future. According to you, he's totally in love with you and he's always looking forward to seeing you again. He misses you after a short period of time and you don't miss him. For you it's completely enough to see him on the weekends. You let me know that too much closeness and too much contact is often too much for you. You just like him and he is not really your type. Poor guy! I sincerely feel sorry for this man. He reminds me of Simone's boyfriend in the movie "Loving Annabelle". He derseves someone who loves him and who wants to be with him - and you can't give him this. That's emotionally unfair and mean. It's just a question of time until he notices how hurt, disappointed, frustrated and bitter your relationship has left him. You seem to be totally inconsiderate towards his feelings. That's plain selfish. You like his attention because it's flattering to you. Doesn't the imbalance bother you at all? Don't you think that it would be fairer to let him go so that he can find happiness with someone else who reciprocates his feelings? You told me that you couldn't promise him to be faithful. You admitted that you don't know how much longer he will be okay with this. (Instead of talking about it and confronting the issue you want to wait it out.) When he pressures you, you tell him to stop and he does. You told me that it would be "unnormal" in your opinion if he didn't pressure you (= if he didn't try to cross your boundaries). You called him a friend who you have sex with (a friend with benefits). I didn't tell you that I don't believe you that you're sleeping with him. You claim that you clearly told him from the beginning what he can get from you and that you can't offer him more and that he shall consider thorougly whether this is what he wants.
I'm aware of the fact that people change but I don't believe that you underwent such a transformation in less than a year and a half.
Warum fiel es mir schwer dir zu glauben, dass du mit diesem Freund Sex hast?
- Weil du Jungs und Männer in meiner Anwesenheit nie lustvoll angeschaut hast.
- Weil dies das erste Mal in den fast 21 Jahren, die wir uns kannten, war, dass du mir geschrieben hast, dass du mit einem Mann schläfst. Zum ersten Mal hast du das Wort Sex benutzt. Vor einigen Jahren hattest du ab und zu mal gesagt, dass du mit einem Mann bloß "Spaß" haben willst und er aber eine Beziehung will und dass dies ihm gegenüber nicht fair wäre. So versuchtest du zu erklären, warum zwischen euch beiden nichts gelaufen ist. Ich war damals der Meinung, dass er höchstwahrscheinlich nichts dagegen gehabt hätte, dass ihr ein rein sexuelles Verhältnis habt oder einen ONS, wenn du ihm gesagt hättest, dass es das ist, was du von ihm willst. Deine Erklärung fand ich also nicht plausibel und ich dachte mir, dass dies bloß ein Vorwand wäre und sich dahinter etwas anderes verbirgt.
-Weil du dich im August 2010 noch über Männer, die "sogar" über Sport- und Hobbypartnerforen nach potentiellen Partnerinnen für eine Beziehung oder eine Bettgeschichte suchen, ereifert hast. Du hast mir in diesem Zusammenhang selbst erzählt, dass dir ein Mann mit dem du dich im Chat ausgetauscht hast (übers Klettern) vorgeschlagen hat, dass er dir am Morgen danach ein Champagnerfrühstück ans Bett bringen würde. Laut eigener Angabe hast du ihm erwidert, dass er doch zu einer Hure gehen solle, wenn er es so nötig hätte. Ich fand deine Reaktion maßlos übertrieben.
-Weil du nachdem ich dir im Sommer 2010 meine Gefühle gestanden habe, plötzlich kurz danach (so kam es nicht nur mir so vor, sondern so war es auch) anfingst auszugehen und mich das wissen ließt. Kurz davor meintest du noch total entnervt, dass dir die Männer alle gestohlen bleiben können. Anfang 2011 ließt du mich wissen, dass dir deine Freunde "Ausgehhilfe" geben. Im Juli 2011 fragtest du mich aus heiterem Himmel, ob ich gerade eine Beziehung hätte. Weil du anfingst "wir" zu schreiben und mich nicht so wie früher wissen ließt, wer mit "wir" gemeint ist. Als ich mal fragte, hast du darauf nicht geantwortet. Du hast dann noch einige Male "wir" geschrieben und ich bin nicht darauf eingegangen (habe also nicht mehr gefragt, wen du mit wir meinst, z.B. du und eine Arbeitskollegin, du und eine Freundin, du und ein Mann etc.). Mir drängte sich der Eindruck auf, als ob du nur sehen wolltest, wie und ob ich auf dieses "wir" reagieren werde (ob es mich interessiert mit wem du ausgehst und dich triffst, ob ich eifersüchtige und possessive Verhaltensweisen an den Tag legen würde).
- Weil ich das Gefühl hatte, dass du mir mit allen Mitteln "beweisen" willst, dass du heterosexuell (und somit nicht bi, geschweige denn lesbisch) bist. Bloß welche Heteros tun das? Jemand, der sich seiner sexuellen Orientierung sicher ist, hat das meiner Meinung nach nicht nötig.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
seeing right through you
A., C.'s ex-girlfriend and your friend, asked you to mediate between her and C. (her ex-boyfriend). You told me that C. had told you that he didn't want to get back together with A. and that he didn't want you to give him any messages from her. Normally, I'd say that it must be very hard to choose whose side you're going to be on when two of your friends, who used to be a couple, break up. Their mutual friends all out of sudden were between a rock and a hard place.
When A. saw through you and called you out on your shit, you ended your friendship (told her that you weren't friends anymore). A. had confronted you with her assumption that you and C. were in a relationship or having an affair or that you want something from him. You were indignant or you feigned indignation at how she could allege such a thing to you. You called her allegations preposterous. In my opinion, you couldn't be friends with A. any longer because she had seen through you (she had discovered the truth). A. knew that you were lying to her and you knew it too. Instead of being honest to her and to yourself and instead of behaving maturely and admitting that you had feelings for her ex-boyfriend C. you pretended to be shocked that she could implicitly blame you for being partly responsible for their breakup. You acted as if A.'s reproaches were completely unfair and unjustified. The truth is you wanted A. out of the way because you wanted C. to be single since you wanted to be with him.
I remember that I had asked you "do or did you have an affair with him (C.)?" during one of our walks in the woods when you were recounting the whole situation with A. You denied it. I then asked you "ok, but do you want something from him?". You didn't say anything and you stared at the ground. (Why does this sound so familiar?) I asked you again and you admitted that you indeed were interested in him. Back then you were at least honest to me although it was very difficult for you to let the truth leave your tongue and your lips.
When A. saw through you and called you out on your shit, you ended your friendship (told her that you weren't friends anymore). A. had confronted you with her assumption that you and C. were in a relationship or having an affair or that you want something from him. You were indignant or you feigned indignation at how she could allege such a thing to you. You called her allegations preposterous. In my opinion, you couldn't be friends with A. any longer because she had seen through you (she had discovered the truth). A. knew that you were lying to her and you knew it too. Instead of being honest to her and to yourself and instead of behaving maturely and admitting that you had feelings for her ex-boyfriend C. you pretended to be shocked that she could implicitly blame you for being partly responsible for their breakup. You acted as if A.'s reproaches were completely unfair and unjustified. The truth is you wanted A. out of the way because you wanted C. to be single since you wanted to be with him.
I remember that I had asked you "do or did you have an affair with him (C.)?" during one of our walks in the woods when you were recounting the whole situation with A. You denied it. I then asked you "ok, but do you want something from him?". You didn't say anything and you stared at the ground. (Why does this sound so familiar?) I asked you again and you admitted that you indeed were interested in him. Back then you were at least honest to me although it was very difficult for you to let the truth leave your tongue and your lips.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
when you stop defending and standing up for someone
Here's what some of my friends and family members have said about you after you began to treat me like crap. Among other things, they called you:
- mean
- evil
- (emotionally) cold
- selfish
- unfair
- (borderline) cruel
- a witch
- the devil's wife
- indifferent
- "bockiges Kind" (German for stubborn/sulky child)
- lacking life/lifeless/deprived of life
- inconsiderate and stunted behavior
- sadistic, schizoid narcissist/machiavellist/socio-path with a borderline/anti-social personality disorder
...
- mean
- evil
- (emotionally) cold
- selfish
- unfair
- (borderline) cruel
- a witch
- the devil's wife
- indifferent
- "bockiges Kind" (German for stubborn/sulky child)
- lacking life/lifeless/deprived of life
- inconsiderate and stunted behavior
- sadistic, schizoid narcissist/machiavellist/socio-path with a borderline/anti-social personality disorder
...
Saturday, July 16, 2011
So many questions, so few answers
I'll publish a “small” part of a report I sent to a friend in June last year (I have added some information in parentheses for clarity). It’s about how I fail to understand what has happened between my former best friend (I call her X) and me. I have looked at this whole situation with X from various angles and I have talked about it with friends, with people I’ve just met (lol, this is out of character for me), and with my mother, who btw is a retired psychiatrist, but I still have neither come to a conclusion nor reached some kind of closure.
So, here it goes:
The dream was triggered by something that happened between my "straight" (???) best friend, whom I have known for almost 20 years, and me last month [in May 2010]. She said and did some things that were very hurtful for me. There are a few parallels between my dream and real life, for instance the sudden distance and widening gap I feel between her and me. I'm still trying to figure out why we aren't as close as we used to be. My explanations for her behavior are extremely contradictory. On the one hand I believe that she has difficulties accepting the "new me" (I came out to her in 2008 and I've changed a lot) and I even had the feeling that she might hate my guts because of the way she behaved. On the other hand, however, I think that she might have (platonic) feelings for me but that she would rather lose me as a friend than admit them. [Third explanation: X has some serious issues with herself and she projected them into me.]
X came to visit me with one of her female friends [from now on Y], whom she has known for 9 years and who was a complete stranger to me, and we spent one week together in May. We went camping and on a short road trip for five nights. My best friend and I slept in one tent while Y slept in her car. Nothing sexual/intimate happened. I haven't seen my best friend as more than a friend and I haven't felt physically attracted to her before this camping trip.
I noticed during this week that we spent together that something was bugging my best friend (quite often I saw her chewing her fingernails, she either evaded my gaze or looked darkly at me, her arms very crossed in front of her chest very often etc.). She was verbally aggressive towards me (insulting and condescending) and she was pissed off at me and I didn't know why because I hadn't done anything (apart from being me :S but that sufficed obviously).
No matter what I did or said it seemed to be wrong. I had the feeling that she wanted to change me completely. All of a sudden, it seemed to bother her where I live (X: “when are you going to move out?”, we were sitting on my terrace when she asked me this, me: “why would I move out?”, she didn’t reply anything) and that I’m freelancing (X: “when are you going to find yourself a permanent job?”, me: “Why would I? I love being a freelancer.” X - in a very angry but somehow also resigned voice: “then be free!!!”). She mocked me because of my vegan diet and asked me to explain it to her, which I did even though we had already talked about it in depth more than four years ago. She commented on my outfit (in a way that was definitely not constructive) – which she had never done before: “do you really want to to wear this? Don’t you want to change?”. She made fun of my German Spitz because, among other things, in her opinion “such small dogs aren’t real dogs”. When I told X and Y that I’m happier in Croatia than I was in Germany despite all the bad and negative things that have happened here since my return, X asked me on several occasions to explain it to her instead of being happy for me.
X. and I went shopping for groceries with our dogs early one morning (without Y.) and she told me reproachfully after we had run into one of my acquaintances: "with every woman from your home town there's a reason why nothing more comes of it". I was flabbergasted at first and then like "so what?". (I seriously didn't understand at that time why it bothered her that my girlfriend lives in another country and that I'm in a LDR instead of being in a relationship with a woman from my town. Later on, I thought that one only explanation that made sense to me and that was logical was that it must have been hurtful for her that I also used to crush or be in a relationship with a girl who lived abroad while X. and I still went to the same school - I told X. everything about my
hidden and secret past after I came out to her. I aked myself whether she ever wondered why I don't fall for her and why I'm not in love with her but if she did then it would mean that she has been at least emotionally gay for me for a long time and I had no fucking clue.) I retorted "I have every right to keep it like that". X. didn'comment on that but remained silent. She knew that it was out of question for me to settle for what I called "foul compromises". Yes, it's absolutely true that there often was not just one reason why I didn't want to get involved with (engage in a relationship with) some of the women I had told her about (just to name a few: one-sidedness, psychiatric drug addiction, intellectually and/or emotionally not on the same page or not compatible).
[One of my Serbian friends told me, after I had recounted to her how things went down between X and me, that she would have told X "tamo su vrata" (= the door is over there = leave! = get the fuck out of here) immediately after X's question when I would move out of my house. I told my friend "but ... I couldn't have done something like that - we've been friends for twenty years ...". She retorted: "No buts! It doesn't matter how long you knew each other. She's an asshole and didn't treat you as a friend".]
X either gave me evasive replies when I asked her what was wrong or she told me that nothing was wrong but I could clearly see that this was not the case. She didn't face me and couldn't even look me straight into the eyes when I tried to have a serious conversation with her about what was going on, that is why I think that she was keeping something from me.
There was a lot of tension and unspoken things. I tried talking to X on several occasions and even told her once "we REALLY need to talk" but she ignored me and gave me the silent treatment. Even her friend Y asked a couple of times jokingly (I think that she also felt that X had crossed some boundaries): "shall I go inside or leave you two alone so that you can talk?" I think that this whole situation and the fact that I still don't know what caused the distance between my friend and me even haunts me in my dreams because I'm not getting any answers to my questions from her.
Before X came to visit me in a little more than a month ago (now it’s more than 13 months ago) we hadn't seen each other for quite a long time since I left Germany (where I spent ca. 29 years of my life) in January 2009 and returned to my home country. X and I kept in touch, kept each other in the loop about everything that was happening in our lives, we e-mailed and skyped almost every day and we were both looking forward to seeing each other again. We both told each other often over the phone things like: "I miss you", "I can't wait to see you again" etc.
The first thing my friend did when she got out of the car in front of my house were I was waiting for her and Y to arrive was that she hugged me although we have never greeted each other this way before (we used to only say hi and/or shake hands when we saw each other). [X is definitely not a touchy-feely person unless when it comes to her dog or other animals.] I was very happy to see her again and I told her that I couldn't believe that she was finally here. X smiled at me and seemed genuinely happy...
However, even before we went on this camping trip [we spent two nights in my house] I noticed that my friend was very quiet. I ascribed this to her tiredness and the long drive from Germany to Croatia. The few times that X actually said something it always left me wondering what she was talking about because the things she said to me were completely unsubstantiated (later on I admitted that X was partially right). For instance she told me in front of her friend: "you don't let other people near/close enough to you" or "you haven't had luck in love since the last time we played cards at your place (in Germany)" [we were playing cards on my terrace and I was losing repeatedly like usually, X’s comment was IMO prompted by one of our inside jokes “unlucky at cards, lucky in love” – I still have absolutely no idea which year she was referring to]. I was like "What? What are you talking about?" because she knew that I'm in relationship and that I'm happily in love with my girlfriend [now ex-girlfriend]. This was one of the situations in which I said to X that we really need to talk and Y asked whether she should go inside so that X and I could talk in private. [X had never told me something like that before which made me wonder later on “why now?”, “why in front of Y?” (for me this was a breach of trust), “when has X become so interested in my private life?”, “since when has she all of these opinions about it?” etc.
Since I had noticed that something (or almost everything) was amiss and since I had the feeling that X was for some reason angry at me I asked her whether she still wanted me to accompany her and Y on the camping trip and she said yes. I thought that we might have more time to talk and clear things up and that I might find out what X's problem was but that didn't happen because my friend pretended that everything was fine when I asked her what was wrong and after trying several times I didn't want to insist on a serious conversation because I didn't want to ruin her vacation. (I then broke off our camping trip prematurely because I couldn’t bear this whole situation anymore. Afterwards, I reproached myself that I haven’t demanded or pressed for an explanation for her weird behavior. I was hurt, confused, and incredibly sad, but instead of telling X how I felt I packed my bags and left. I told her later in one of my e-mails. Timing obviously wasn't my forte.)
During the whole week that we spent together my friend only asked me once whether things were going well between my girlfriend and me. Her voice was barely audible when she asked me this because she was whispering and she stared at the ground and didn't dare to look at me as if she was afraid of my reply.
I even asked X once point-blank whether she was jealous. She replied “why would I be jealous of you?” and tried to laugh it off contemptously but it wasn’t convincing. Back then, it had not occurred to me that I should have asked her whether she’s jealous of other women. Prior to this short “conversation” X could not stop teasing me about the night before. X, Y, me and the dogs had gone for a walk but after approximately 30 minutes Y and X told me that they were exhausted and that they would go back to the camping ground with their dogs. Since I wasn’t tired at all I told them that I would walk to the old town of R. and first find an internet café to check my emails etc. and that I would later look for a nice café or lounge bar with a terrace facing the sea and chillax there. When I returned to the camping ground a few hours later X and Y were still awake. X immediately started teasing me “I thought that you would be in a club all night, hook up with a girl and would sneak back into the tent early in the morning”. I told her I never said that. The next morning (which was also our “last” morning) X continued teasing me about the previous night. In Germany there's a saying "was sich neckt, das liebt sich" (those who tease each other are in love with each other).
There was another situation [this was shortly before we said goodbye] where I had the impression that X is jealous. I told her that I wanted to visit a woman I met last summer [2009] because we had a nice time together and I thought that we could become friends. X then told me reproachfully: "You're going to fall in love with her, TOO". I was totally taken aback by this comment bacause I didn't know what had prompted the hurt I heard in her voice. Instead of asking her how this "TOO" in her sentence was meant, I assured her that this was not going to happen not only because I have a girlfriend but also because I'm not at all attracted to this woman. Again, she could not look at me directly and when I succeeded to catch her eyes she quickly looked away.
One of the last things X told me was “if you leave now we don’t have to say goodbye again at the airport”. [X and her dog had to return to Germany a few days before Y that’s why she had booked a flight. Y and her dog returned to Germany in her car.] To me, it sounded like “if you leave now it’s over/we’re done". I had the feeling that she was trying to emotionally blackmail me to stay...
Did I feel like you led me on? Physically no, but mentally and emotionally yes. Never before had I experienced such a mindfuck as with you.
What is it to you how close I let other people? How did you form your opinion that I don't let people near enough to me? I don't know what your opinion about this matter was based on. You were my best friend and I used to tell you almost everything. Mentally and emotionally I let you closer to me than anyone else. You were the person who knew me the best. (You were my closest friend and now I think that you're my closeted friend.) I know that I used to hold a lot of things back and I'm still very introverted most of the time but I never opened up to anyone as much as I did to you while I still considered you my best friend (until May 2010). I asked myself whether you thought that I didn't let you close enough to me. If this was the case, why have you never told me? I still wonder whether you ever wanted me to be physically closer to you? I'm sure that you weren't talking about other people. Why would you care how close I let other people? It bothered you that I didn't let you closer. You couldn't have meant mentally/intellectually/emotionally (you know, like talking about your innermost feelings, thoughts, wishes etc.) - I think that you meant physically but you'd never admit that. I'm sure that a part of you wants to be with me and another part of you is confused and terribly scared. You want me but you're too afraid to say or show it and I want someone who isn't afraid to say that they want me. I guess we've reached an impasse.
There's a Croatian saying which states that a dog doesn't bark because of the village but because of himself ("ne laje pas zbog sela nego zbog sebe). Maybe one day you'll realize that you've been barking up the wrong tree, maybe you'll have a moment of truth/clearvoyance and admit that you had feelings for a woman (for me) and maybe it will be too late for us then.
tbc
So, here it goes:
The dream was triggered by something that happened between my "straight" (???) best friend, whom I have known for almost 20 years, and me last month [in May 2010]. She said and did some things that were very hurtful for me. There are a few parallels between my dream and real life, for instance the sudden distance and widening gap I feel between her and me. I'm still trying to figure out why we aren't as close as we used to be. My explanations for her behavior are extremely contradictory. On the one hand I believe that she has difficulties accepting the "new me" (I came out to her in 2008 and I've changed a lot) and I even had the feeling that she might hate my guts because of the way she behaved. On the other hand, however, I think that she might have (platonic) feelings for me but that she would rather lose me as a friend than admit them. [Third explanation: X has some serious issues with herself and she projected them into me.]
X came to visit me with one of her female friends [from now on Y], whom she has known for 9 years and who was a complete stranger to me, and we spent one week together in May. We went camping and on a short road trip for five nights. My best friend and I slept in one tent while Y slept in her car. Nothing sexual/intimate happened. I haven't seen my best friend as more than a friend and I haven't felt physically attracted to her before this camping trip.
I noticed during this week that we spent together that something was bugging my best friend (quite often I saw her chewing her fingernails, she either evaded my gaze or looked darkly at me, her arms very crossed in front of her chest very often etc.). She was verbally aggressive towards me (insulting and condescending) and she was pissed off at me and I didn't know why because I hadn't done anything (apart from being me :S but that sufficed obviously).
No matter what I did or said it seemed to be wrong. I had the feeling that she wanted to change me completely. All of a sudden, it seemed to bother her where I live (X: “when are you going to move out?”, we were sitting on my terrace when she asked me this, me: “why would I move out?”, she didn’t reply anything) and that I’m freelancing (X: “when are you going to find yourself a permanent job?”, me: “Why would I? I love being a freelancer.” X - in a very angry but somehow also resigned voice: “then be free!!!”). She mocked me because of my vegan diet and asked me to explain it to her, which I did even though we had already talked about it in depth more than four years ago. She commented on my outfit (in a way that was definitely not constructive) – which she had never done before: “do you really want to to wear this? Don’t you want to change?”. She made fun of my German Spitz because, among other things, in her opinion “such small dogs aren’t real dogs”. When I told X and Y that I’m happier in Croatia than I was in Germany despite all the bad and negative things that have happened here since my return, X asked me on several occasions to explain it to her instead of being happy for me.
X. and I went shopping for groceries with our dogs early one morning (without Y.) and she told me reproachfully after we had run into one of my acquaintances: "with every woman from your home town there's a reason why nothing more comes of it". I was flabbergasted at first and then like "so what?". (I seriously didn't understand at that time why it bothered her that my girlfriend lives in another country and that I'm in a LDR instead of being in a relationship with a woman from my town. Later on, I thought that one only explanation that made sense to me and that was logical was that it must have been hurtful for her that I also used to crush or be in a relationship with a girl who lived abroad while X. and I still went to the same school - I told X. everything about my
hidden and secret past after I came out to her. I aked myself whether she ever wondered why I don't fall for her and why I'm not in love with her but if she did then it would mean that she has been at least emotionally gay for me for a long time and I had no fucking clue.) I retorted "I have every right to keep it like that". X. didn'comment on that but remained silent. She knew that it was out of question for me to settle for what I called "foul compromises". Yes, it's absolutely true that there often was not just one reason why I didn't want to get involved with (engage in a relationship with) some of the women I had told her about (just to name a few: one-sidedness, psychiatric drug addiction, intellectually and/or emotionally not on the same page or not compatible).
[One of my Serbian friends told me, after I had recounted to her how things went down between X and me, that she would have told X "tamo su vrata" (= the door is over there = leave! = get the fuck out of here) immediately after X's question when I would move out of my house. I told my friend "but ... I couldn't have done something like that - we've been friends for twenty years ...". She retorted: "No buts! It doesn't matter how long you knew each other. She's an asshole and didn't treat you as a friend".]
X either gave me evasive replies when I asked her what was wrong or she told me that nothing was wrong but I could clearly see that this was not the case. She didn't face me and couldn't even look me straight into the eyes when I tried to have a serious conversation with her about what was going on, that is why I think that she was keeping something from me.
There was a lot of tension and unspoken things. I tried talking to X on several occasions and even told her once "we REALLY need to talk" but she ignored me and gave me the silent treatment. Even her friend Y asked a couple of times jokingly (I think that she also felt that X had crossed some boundaries): "shall I go inside or leave you two alone so that you can talk?" I think that this whole situation and the fact that I still don't know what caused the distance between my friend and me even haunts me in my dreams because I'm not getting any answers to my questions from her.
Before X came to visit me in a little more than a month ago (now it’s more than 13 months ago) we hadn't seen each other for quite a long time since I left Germany (where I spent ca. 29 years of my life) in January 2009 and returned to my home country. X and I kept in touch, kept each other in the loop about everything that was happening in our lives, we e-mailed and skyped almost every day and we were both looking forward to seeing each other again. We both told each other often over the phone things like: "I miss you", "I can't wait to see you again" etc.
The first thing my friend did when she got out of the car in front of my house were I was waiting for her and Y to arrive was that she hugged me although we have never greeted each other this way before (we used to only say hi and/or shake hands when we saw each other). [X is definitely not a touchy-feely person unless when it comes to her dog or other animals.] I was very happy to see her again and I told her that I couldn't believe that she was finally here. X smiled at me and seemed genuinely happy...
However, even before we went on this camping trip [we spent two nights in my house] I noticed that my friend was very quiet. I ascribed this to her tiredness and the long drive from Germany to Croatia. The few times that X actually said something it always left me wondering what she was talking about because the things she said to me were completely unsubstantiated (later on I admitted that X was partially right). For instance she told me in front of her friend: "you don't let other people near/close enough to you" or "you haven't had luck in love since the last time we played cards at your place (in Germany)" [we were playing cards on my terrace and I was losing repeatedly like usually, X’s comment was IMO prompted by one of our inside jokes “unlucky at cards, lucky in love” – I still have absolutely no idea which year she was referring to]. I was like "What? What are you talking about?" because she knew that I'm in relationship and that I'm happily in love with my girlfriend [now ex-girlfriend]. This was one of the situations in which I said to X that we really need to talk and Y asked whether she should go inside so that X and I could talk in private. [X had never told me something like that before which made me wonder later on “why now?”, “why in front of Y?” (for me this was a breach of trust), “when has X become so interested in my private life?”, “since when has she all of these opinions about it?” etc.
Since I had noticed that something (or almost everything) was amiss and since I had the feeling that X was for some reason angry at me I asked her whether she still wanted me to accompany her and Y on the camping trip and she said yes. I thought that we might have more time to talk and clear things up and that I might find out what X's problem was but that didn't happen because my friend pretended that everything was fine when I asked her what was wrong and after trying several times I didn't want to insist on a serious conversation because I didn't want to ruin her vacation. (I then broke off our camping trip prematurely because I couldn’t bear this whole situation anymore. Afterwards, I reproached myself that I haven’t demanded or pressed for an explanation for her weird behavior. I was hurt, confused, and incredibly sad, but instead of telling X how I felt I packed my bags and left. I told her later in one of my e-mails. Timing obviously wasn't my forte.)
During the whole week that we spent together my friend only asked me once whether things were going well between my girlfriend and me. Her voice was barely audible when she asked me this because she was whispering and she stared at the ground and didn't dare to look at me as if she was afraid of my reply.
I even asked X once point-blank whether she was jealous. She replied “why would I be jealous of you?” and tried to laugh it off contemptously but it wasn’t convincing. Back then, it had not occurred to me that I should have asked her whether she’s jealous of other women. Prior to this short “conversation” X could not stop teasing me about the night before. X, Y, me and the dogs had gone for a walk but after approximately 30 minutes Y and X told me that they were exhausted and that they would go back to the camping ground with their dogs. Since I wasn’t tired at all I told them that I would walk to the old town of R. and first find an internet café to check my emails etc. and that I would later look for a nice café or lounge bar with a terrace facing the sea and chillax there. When I returned to the camping ground a few hours later X and Y were still awake. X immediately started teasing me “I thought that you would be in a club all night, hook up with a girl and would sneak back into the tent early in the morning”. I told her I never said that. The next morning (which was also our “last” morning) X continued teasing me about the previous night. In Germany there's a saying "was sich neckt, das liebt sich" (those who tease each other are in love with each other).
There was another situation [this was shortly before we said goodbye] where I had the impression that X is jealous. I told her that I wanted to visit a woman I met last summer [2009] because we had a nice time together and I thought that we could become friends. X then told me reproachfully: "You're going to fall in love with her, TOO". I was totally taken aback by this comment bacause I didn't know what had prompted the hurt I heard in her voice. Instead of asking her how this "TOO" in her sentence was meant, I assured her that this was not going to happen not only because I have a girlfriend but also because I'm not at all attracted to this woman. Again, she could not look at me directly and when I succeeded to catch her eyes she quickly looked away.
One of the last things X told me was “if you leave now we don’t have to say goodbye again at the airport”. [X and her dog had to return to Germany a few days before Y that’s why she had booked a flight. Y and her dog returned to Germany in her car.] To me, it sounded like “if you leave now it’s over/we’re done". I had the feeling that she was trying to emotionally blackmail me to stay...
Did I feel like you led me on? Physically no, but mentally and emotionally yes. Never before had I experienced such a mindfuck as with you.
What is it to you how close I let other people? How did you form your opinion that I don't let people near enough to me? I don't know what your opinion about this matter was based on. You were my best friend and I used to tell you almost everything. Mentally and emotionally I let you closer to me than anyone else. You were the person who knew me the best. (You were my closest friend and now I think that you're my closeted friend.) I know that I used to hold a lot of things back and I'm still very introverted most of the time but I never opened up to anyone as much as I did to you while I still considered you my best friend (until May 2010). I asked myself whether you thought that I didn't let you close enough to me. If this was the case, why have you never told me? I still wonder whether you ever wanted me to be physically closer to you? I'm sure that you weren't talking about other people. Why would you care how close I let other people? It bothered you that I didn't let you closer. You couldn't have meant mentally/intellectually/emotionally (you know, like talking about your innermost feelings, thoughts, wishes etc.) - I think that you meant physically but you'd never admit that. I'm sure that a part of you wants to be with me and another part of you is confused and terribly scared. You want me but you're too afraid to say or show it and I want someone who isn't afraid to say that they want me. I guess we've reached an impasse.
There's a Croatian saying which states that a dog doesn't bark because of the village but because of himself ("ne laje pas zbog sela nego zbog sebe). Maybe one day you'll realize that you've been barking up the wrong tree, maybe you'll have a moment of truth/clearvoyance and admit that you had feelings for a woman (for me) and maybe it will be too late for us then.
tbc
Monday, May 30, 2011
life has its own ways
You tried to make me feel as if it was all my fault and as if I would have to change and be a certain way so that you could like me.
You pretended that your life was perfect and that you didn't have any problems. You acted as if you knew everything best. Guess what, content people aren't being hateful towards others for no reason and they don't go around hurting others intentionally. IMO, happy people who have no worries don't chew their fingernails until they bleed as you did.
You desperately searched for reasons and pretexts to dislike me. Some of them were insanely absurd.
I'm not saying that you're bi or gay but I know that you're unhappy because some parts of your life didn't turn out as you had wished and imagined. It happens to everyone. There's no need to beat yourself up because of it. You're too hard to yourself. There are things in life that we just can't control no matter how hard we try. You don't have to feel as a failure.
What hurt me the most was that you couldn't talk to me about it and that you shut me out even though I was your best friend. I doubt that you'll be able to be honest with someone else about the things that are bothering you since you couldn't open up to me although you had known me for 20 years.
You pretended that your life was perfect and that you didn't have any problems. You acted as if you knew everything best. Guess what, content people aren't being hateful towards others for no reason and they don't go around hurting others intentionally. IMO, happy people who have no worries don't chew their fingernails until they bleed as you did.
You desperately searched for reasons and pretexts to dislike me. Some of them were insanely absurd.
I'm not saying that you're bi or gay but I know that you're unhappy because some parts of your life didn't turn out as you had wished and imagined. It happens to everyone. There's no need to beat yourself up because of it. You're too hard to yourself. There are things in life that we just can't control no matter how hard we try. You don't have to feel as a failure.
What hurt me the most was that you couldn't talk to me about it and that you shut me out even though I was your best friend. I doubt that you'll be able to be honest with someone else about the things that are bothering you since you couldn't open up to me although you had known me for 20 years.
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