Ausschnitt aus einer meiner E-Mails vom 30.09.2011 an eine Onlinefreundin

Nach ... fahre ich dieses Wochenende nicht, da [sie] über das verlängerte WE (in Deutschland ist ja am Montag Feiertag) mit ihrem Vater und ihrem "friend with benefits" (FWB), den sie ihrer Familie aber als ihren Freund vorgestellt hat, obwohl er es nicht ist (muss man das verstehen???) ins Ausland in die Berge fahren wird. In der Toskana war sie mit ihm auch im Urlaub, obwohl sie sich im Vorfeld nicht sicher war, ob das eine gute Idee ist, aber alles in allem wäre es das schön gewesen, meinte sie.

(Zusatz/Ergänzung vom 9.10.2011: X. hat mir erst nach diesem verlängerten Wochenende geschrieben, wo sie waren (nachdem ich mich zum zweiten Mal erkundigt hatte), obwohl ich sie davor schon gefragt hatte. Hatte sie befürchtet, dass ich in diesem Ort aufkreuzen könnte? Wenn ja, warum? Hält sie mich für eine potentielle Stalkerin? Ich bin nie jemandem aufgelauert und habe auch nicht davor damit anzufangen. Manchmal habe ich mir überlegt ihr einen Überraschungsbesuch an einem öffentlichen Arbeitsplatz (sprich: Kunden gehen und kommen da während der Öffnungzeiten wie es ihnen gerade passt) abzustatten, aber bei diesen Überlegungen blieb es auch. Außerdem weiß sie genau, dass meine Kondition nicht ausreicht, um auf 3000-er oder 4000-er zu steigen.)

Ich habe mich wieder gefragt, warum schreibt sie mir das, obgleich ich es andererseits gut finde, dass sie offen damit umgeht und sich mir anvertraut. U.a. wundere ich mich, ob sie denn selbst weiß, warum sie so ein Verhältnis eingegangen ist und wenn es ihr nur um den Sex geht, warum sie dann nicht mit einem Mann zusammen ist, der auch nur mit ihr schlafen will und nicht mit einem, der eine Beziehung will (die sie nicht will) und der im Gegensatz zu ihr verliebt ist. Ganz ehrlich, ich blicke das nicht.

Trotz all dem und obwohl ich das alles sehr merkwürdig finde, möchte ich sie weiterhin sehen. [heutiger Zusatz: manchmal möchte ich sie nach allem was war gar nicht (mehr) sehen, da ich ihr weder vergeben habe noch das Vergangene vergessen kann.] Und ja, ich würde gerne mal die Gelegenheit haben, mir einen Eindruck von ihrer "Nicht-Beziehung" bzw. von ihr und ihrem "Freund" zu machen (wie sie interagieren, wie sie sich in meiner Anwesenheit verhalten würden, wie echt ich das finde etc.). Ein Teil von mir glaubt zudem nicht, dass es den Kerl überhaupt gibt bzw. denke ich, dass es durchaus sein kann, dass er ein Freund von ihr ist, aber eben nicht mehr. Online kann sie mir ja viel erzählen, was nicht heißt, dass ich es überzeugend und glaubhaft finde, aber real kann sie zwar versuchen mir etwas vorzumachen, bloß wüsste ich dann und ich würde spüren, dass es anders ist als sie vorgibt, wenn dem so wäre. Bei ihr übernachten, will ich nicht, wegen mir selbst, da ich nicht weiß, wie es laufen wird. Für den Fall, dass mir das real dann zu unerträglich wird, finde ich es besser, dass ich einen "eigenen" Rückzugsort habe und sei es in einem Hostel oder bei einem ...

Was würdest du an meiner Stelle tun? Würdest du vorerst online (also im E-Mailaustausch) versuchen mehr zu erfahren (durchaus auch, warum sie mir das schreibt, obwohl sie weiß, dass ich Gefühle für sie hatte und ich bin mir sicher, dass sie weiß, dass sich daran nichts geändert hat und warum sie das nie thematisiert hat, sondern dazu hinterher nie etwas geschrieben hat, außer dass sie sprachlos ist und nur an Männern interessiert ist)? Hältst du es für möglich, dass sie sich darüber rein gar keine Gedanken macht? Oder verdrängt sie das bloß? Und wenn ja, warum? Warum will oder kann sie darüber nicht schreiben/reden? Sie hat mir z.B. mit keinem einzigen Wort bisher erwähnt, wo, wie und wann sie ihren FWB kennengelernt hat. Auffällig und seltsam, oder? Auch kein Wort darüber, was er beruflich macht und wie alt er ist. Bisher habe ich noch nicht gefragt, aber ich werde es tun. Was würdest du davon halten, wenn sie auf so einfache und alltägliche Fragen nicht eingeht?

some realizations (brainstorming, ranting)

As odd as it may seem, it would be easier for me if she was happy with him and totally in love with him (which she isn't). This whole "she claims to have a FWB all of a sudden" doesn't convince me at all of her heterosexuality. Is she even aware of that? Does/Did it make her feel uncomfortable to know that I have feelings for her? If it does/did, why? Did she reevaluate everything I ever said to her and how I used to behave around her? Things have been awkward between us since her visit and they became even more strange after my "confession". She only told me that she's speechless (as if this [me having feelings for her] was something that she could never have imagined - as if it was something totaly unexpected, a shocking surprise) and that I know that she's only interested in men. I wondered "do I really know that?". After that she and I never talked about it - this topic seems to be taboo and something that she doesn't want me to mention and discuss. Since she's an adult, I had expected that she would be able to deal with this in a mature way. Obviously, I was wrong. Did she try to suppress something by getting a FWB? Did she hope that it would make me move on faster? If so, it's not working for me.

Was the thought that I might perceive her as queer and that I might have told her how I felt about her because I was fairly sure that she might reciprocate my feelings so horrible for her that she shut down completely at first (didn't confide in me at all for months, her e-mails were short and superficial as if she was talking to someone she barely knows instead of to a friend of twenty years) and that she then started to go out and date to "prove" to me that she's straight?

so deep, so real, yet so impossible

A few days ago, you told me that you still do not fall in love. A few years ago, you confided in me that you had never been in love. I guess that's why you are envious of people who fall in love and who can show their feelings. In my opinion, you have this part in you but it's lying dormant for some reason. It just needs to be awakened. Maybe you'll grow into yourself one day.

My mind knows that I'm wrong for you and that you're not right for me - not just because you claim to be straight. I don't want to change you but you'd have to be a different kind of person to make me happy. You lack of alot of the traits that I look for in a potential partner and I'm not what you're looking for either. Nevertheless, I deeply care about you. I'm absolutely sure that no amount of time or distance could alter what I feel for you.

(added September 26th, 2011: a few weeks ago I read Rumi's quote "Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there's a field. I'll meet you there" and I like it a lot because it says in my opinion that love is possible if people learn to accept and tolerate each other's differences.

and then there are the things you just know, sense, feel with absolute certainty

I couldn't sleep with you right next to me while you were sound asleep. How could you sleep after all the things you told me and that unsettled me utterly? How could it be that you were or pretended to be fine? How could you hurt me immensely and sleep tightly afterwards? In our friendship, you were the taker and I was the giver. I always knew that I cared more deeply about you than you did about me. You might ask how can one measure that. Instinct! You just feel it. Plus, the usual stuff: you're almost always the one to call her first, the one who writes longer e-mails/texts, who invites her to spend time together etc.

I know that it was easier for you to make believe that you can't stand me than to admit that you have feelings for me as well. I'm not saying that you were physically attracted to me. Your aggressiveness, your meanness, your constant bickering and your disrespectfulness towards me were a huge turn-off for me. I know that you pulled a Santana on me and that you will never apologize for being mean to me. I know that you don't have it in you. I know that you are scared shitless and that you will never have the strength and courage to come out of the closet. I had no reason to doubt that you're straight until last year. I'm sure that you're bi-romantic even though you claim that you've never been in love. You call yourself a "head person" (the opposite would be a "heart person") which is to say that you consider yourself a rational and not an emotional person.

Someone once wrote that the opposite of love isn't hate but indifference. I think that when someone is hateful to you it shows that they still care. They probably used to like you a lot or love you until something happened that upset them and that made them mad at you. Seeing how hateful you were to me I couldn't help but wonder what I had done to piss you off and what I could do to make everything between us alright again.

I know that you were lying when I asked you what was wrong and you replied "NOTHING". I wasn't born yesterday and I know that nothing usually means everything.

I heard the hurt and the jealousy or envy (?) in your voice when you said reproachfully to me while you stared right past me "you'll fall in love with her, too" after I had told you that I was going to visit a woman I had met in 2009 because I thought that she and I might become friends. You didn't dare to look me in the eyes when I assured you that this was not going to happen because I wasn't in the least attracted to her. You were too afraid that your eyes would have given you off - that I would have seen in them what I had already heard and felt. Even when I succeeded to catch your glance you quickly averted your eyes. You couldn't trust me because you didn't trust yourself. You had known me for almost twenty years. You knew that I considered you my best friend. How could you think that I could ever let you down or that I could ever intentionally hurt you?

Maybe you just wouldn't have been such a joykill if you had been happily in love yourself. Maybe you just needed to get laid. An acquaintance of mine said that maybe you just had PMS which made me laugh even though your cold, mean and weird behavior had left me heart-broken and devastated. I wished that you "just" had a serious case of chronic PMS instead of serious issues.

You never really understood me and I would definitely not describe you as my soulmate. You are not a person whom it is easy to love but I DID. My love for you was self-effacing. I never told you how much I admired you and how protective I felt about you even though I knew that you were physically strong enough to beat the crap out of me on any given day. I always wished for you to be happy even if the person that made you happy wasn't me.

You have been a classic tomboy since I've known you. You played different kinds of sports (soccer, karate, rock climbing, cross country skiing). You never wore dresses, a handbag, high heels or make-up. You preferred to wear jeans, cargo pants, T-Shirts and a hoodie. You told me that you HATE PINK (the color).

Rejection always sucks but it sucks even more when you know that someone let something good die just because she is a coward.